


Count The Stars

by vellicchor



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Character Death, Custom Shepard (Mass Effect), Earthborn (Mass Effect), Eventual Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, F/M, Fanfiction, Fantasy, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Multi, My First Fanfic, No Shepard without Vakarian, Psychological Trauma, Realistic, Shakarian - Freeform, Sibling relationship with Kaidan, Slow Build, geronimo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-27 07:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13242996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vellicchor/pseuds/vellicchor
Summary: For as long as she can remember, Briar has had dreams in which she is lives as Commander Shepard. They never seemed like a big deal, not really, until the disaster strikes. She is suddenly trapped as Commander Shepard, with only the experience of playing the first two games and her previous dreams to help her get by. But how do you live someone else's life when your own is going to hell?





	1. Chapter 1

The only sound to be heard in the desolate waiting room was my fingers tapping rhythmically on my chair armrest. At least a half hour had gone by already, but when the receptionist called my name it felt like seconds. New shrinks are like a gift from a distant relative; either terrible or tolerable. The atmosphere in their offices are always cramped and closed off from the rest of the world, regardless of the location. Luckily I’d gotten used to the suffocating air after a couple years.

 

“Hello Ms. Genesis, my name is Dr. Kramer. I’m sure we’re going to become quite close.” For the level of interest I have in psychology, my dislike for therapists is astonishing. There should be an air of comfort surrounding the profession, but instead they’re associated with instability and embarrassment.  That being said, that’s the  exact reason  why I want to be one, so I can change people’s minds. Hopefully. “Excuse me, Briar?” 

 

“Hm? Did you say something?” She gave me a knowing smile, as if coddling a toddler. Of course, what a great first impression. Staring off into space and spazzing out.

 

“Yes, I just don’t quite understand the symptoms in your file. I was hoping you could explain to me your particular experiences with escapism? Why don’t you start from the beginning.”

 

I stared at her with disdain (I can’t say it, but imagine this face: ಠ_ಠ). “Um, do I really have to? I’m sure everything you need to know is in my file.”

 

“I know, but hearing your personal take would be enlightening. Also, I truly believe that talking about it helps with the healing process. You may notice something you didn't before by rehashing the memories.” Well, this was going to be an enjoyable experience. I could tell by the expectant look on her face that this would be a long session.

 

Before I could reassure her that everything  _ really _ was in my file, she asked, “So you had your first episode at the age of five? That’s exceptionally young. Can you tell me what happened? Did something specific provoke you?”

 

“No.” 

 

Her lip twitched; I could tell I was already annoying her. They never seemed to realize that I was studying them just as much as they were studying me. To be honest, I was probably the more knowledgeable one by the end of my therapy sessions. I saw her take a breath to begin speaking again, but I had other plans.

 

“Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself first? Just so I feel more comfortable?” She smiled pleasantly back at me, but she was evidently fighting an eye roll. Success.

“Alright, anything to make you feel at home. My name is Kelly Kramer, I have two children named Maya and Elliot. I’m in a very happy relationship currently, and my favorite activity is ice skating.” Little did she know, I’d made an entire file of my own for her based on that mere description.

 

“So, Kelly Kramer, when did your first husband leave you?” I savored the utter shock in her eyes before continuing on. “If my understanding is correct, you pointedly described your ‘current’ relationship as ‘very happy’ which implies there was a previous, not so happy one.” I nodded with pity, pausing only momentarily for dramaticism. “And how about those kids of yours, Maya and Elliot. It’s obvious Maya is the favorite; you keep her in the foreground of every photo arrangement in the room. Also, ice skating? Really? There aren’t any ice skating rinks for miles, meaning you-” I was unfortunately interrupted by Dr. Kramer before I could finish.

 

“That is  _ enough _ .” Her cool temperament was on thin ice, but she managed to force a smile after a pause. Impressive. “Please, Ms. Genesis. The first episode you had?” I gave her another bored look, unwilling to give up on this game. After a few seconds no response, she sighed but straightened her shoulders.

 

While folding her hands on the desk in front of her, she began, “Ms. Genesis, Briar if you will. I hope you know this session has already been paid for by your mother. Also, I have complete authority over your future diagnosis and treatment. Now unless you’d like me to declare you delusional to the world, I’d suggest you get started on giving me a recap of your disorder. From the beginning please.” Her smile turned sickly sweet with the venomous words she spewed out. What a killjoy.

 

“When I was five years old, as you can see in my file, I had a bad dream where I killed somebody. I guess I never really bounced back.”

 

She cleared her throat, looking up at me from downcast eyes. I defensively raised my eyebrows in response to her silent nudge for me to go on. She sighed heavily for what felt like the millionth time today.

 

“Elaborate please.” I glared at her, pouting. “Your file says this wasn’t the first ‘bad dream’ you had?”

 

“Well I mean, it’s kind of tough to remember the  _ very first _ bad drea-” She cut me off by clearing her throat, in a very passive aggressive manner might I add. I huffed a sigh; this game was beginning to sour. A glance at the clock on the office’s wall informed me I was trapped here for at least another 45 minutes; might as well get this over with as soon as possible.

“Alright fine. I know escapism and dissociation are typically caused by traumatic experiences, but I’ve had a pretty good life. For some reason, for as long as I can remember I’ve been having these dreams. They’re not like your average recurring nightmare though, trust me. It’s almost as if I live someone else’s life every once in a while. It’s always the same person; she’s a little older than I am, but looks just like me. The most drastic difference is probably the circumstances; she was an orphan, and in some sort of gang. What’s interesting is a lot of the time, nothing of importance happens. That’s how things were for a while, until what you like to call my ‘first episode’.

 

“I was trying to gather scraps of food from the dumpster behind a restaurant with a few other kids in the gang. It was just like any other meal; you fend for yourself. That is until I found a mostly whole loaf of bread, fresh and without a single spec of mold. One of the  older boys, maybe 16 or 17, hadn’t been able to find food for a few days. I barely knew him, but he was so  _ desperate _ for this bread I found. Things escalated, and he grabbed a piece of broken glass from the garbage.  

 

“Lucky for me, this girl somehow had an old pistol on her. I pulled it out with hope that it’d scare him off, but he just kept getting closer. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do; all I remember is my heart beating too loud, and the blood rushing in my ears. He lunged for me, and I did the only thing I could to protect myself. I-I pulled the trigger. I killed him. Shot him right through the shoulder. He might have survived if we had access to an ambulance. But we were orphans, and practically homeless. I watched him _ die _ ; I saw him take his last breath and felt the life leave him.”

 

I sat staring at my own hands resting on my knees for a few moments, only just noticing that my breathing had increased profusely. I swallowed, closing my eyes. “That boy-

 

“Was not real.” Dr. Kramer finished shortly. I snapped my eyes up to her gaze, forgetting she was here. My lips upturned into a dry grin, basking in the terrible memory.

 

“You’re right. But it felt real, and I still remember waking up that morning and never being the same. I was only five you know, a bad dream might as well have been the end of the world. But this had been  _ far _ from just a nightmare. That’s how I ended up in this lovely office with you and that thick file on your desk. Of course, other things happened in these dreams. None of them have ever truly outdone that first episode, though.

 

“The only one to even come remotely close was the most recent dream, which happened six months ago. The girl is older now, probably in her early 20s, and she joined the military of her world. The crazy thing about this place is the fact that in depth space travel has become a norm, and other life has been found. I never really seen the other species, but I know they’re there. Anyways, I was on shore leave for a while in this mainly human colony when there’s an attack. These grayish creatures with too many eyes and lots of guns start to file out of their ships. I could tell what was going to happen, so I spoke to the colonists; rallied them to fight back against the invaders. The shooting breaks out, and it’s clear that the colony’s defenses weren’t sufficient enough to hold them back. And even though I knew it wasn’t real, and I knew it wasn’t my life, I felt an obligation to help. So I pulled out my pistol and did everything I could.

 

“I don’t know how, but I managed to succeed. I held them off, alone, until reinforcements could be retrieved. It was terrifying, but empowering; I had done something no ordinary person should be able to do. I almost didn’t want to wake up, I mean, who would? I was practically a superhero as far as I was concerned. And it felt so  _ right _ -”

 

“But it wasn’t real, Briar. You  _ are _ aware of that right? Your file claims that you are able to discern the illusion from reality but by the way your describing it, I’m almost hesitant to accept that as fact.” I glowered at her; this was the second time she’d interrupted me after I agreed to do as she asked.

 

“Yes I’m well aware of the fact that none of it’s real. It feels real sometimes, like I live a double life. But I’m always conscious of my dissociation, and I can discern between real and not real perfectly so you don’t need to worry.” She gave me an unconvinced look, to which I responded by raising my eyebrows with a  _ try me _ look. She jotted something down on my file, but quickly returned to my gaze.

 

“Alright Briar, it looks like your session is nearly over, and I’ve learned everything I need to for the time being,” I rolled my eyes and scoffed.  _ You ‘learned everything you needed’. Yeah right, I practically repeated everything in my file for you and that’s  _ it.  _ What a waste of time.  _ “You can call to schedule your next appointment as you see fit. Thank you for coming, I’ll be seeing you Ms. Genesis.” She smiled, ignoring my reaction to her words.

 

I stuck my tongue out as I walked out at the building, already dreading my next visit. Hopefully it would be awhile before I needed to come back; Dr. Kramer was  _ not _ the best at inspiring a willing return.

 

Trying not to slip on the ice coating every surface, I clumsily made my way to my early birthday present. In a few weeks I turn 17, but since I already got my license my mother decided to give me the car now instead. I could feel the pride radiating off of me as I pressed the button on my keys and the click of my very own car unlocking sounded through the air.

 

Unfortunately, I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice the particularly slippery patch on the ground in my path. But it was too late; my feet slid out from under me and I very dramatically fell to the ground, getting snow all over me.

 

“Really? Is this karma for being mean to poor Kelly Kramer?” I managed to stand myself back up on somewhat steady feet, but my back and butt were still soaked. I shuffled the rest of the way to my car, careful not to slide again. Luckily I was blessed with a mom who cared about components such as seat warmers.

 

~

 

“So how did it go? Was she nice?” I scoffed at my mother’s question, shrugging off my heavy coat.

 

“I think the question you should be asking is ‘was  _ I _ nice’.” She gave me that look that only mothers can give when preparing to scold their child. “Don’t worry, I didn’t scare her off.” She let out a breath of relief. “Yet.”

 

“Briar!” Exasperation drenched her features and I raised my hands in mock surrender.

 

“Come on, I had to make it a  _ little _ interesting. How else was I gonna make it through an entire hour being asked questions like ‘Do you see things Ms. Genesis? Have you ever confused reality with illusion? Oh don’t worry, you can tell me Ms. Genesis. I promise it’s strictly confidential, nothing will leave this room.’ Mom it’s crazy but I think every therapist got together in one huge meeting and decided yeah, let’s all repeat the same five questions for every patient! What a great idea!”

 

“Okay, okay I see your point. Have you worked on your essay anymore? Did you eat dinner?”

 

“Yes and yes; I got Wendy’s before heading to the therapist’s office. I’m gonna play Mass Effect for a little and then I’ll get to bed.”

 

“Sounds good. Don’t forget you have to pick up Gabrielle tomorrow at noon so be ready to go by 10.”

 

“Will do. I love you!” I kissed her cheek as she repeated the phrase back to me, before sprinting up the stairs to my room. You can’t truly play a video game unless you’re in comfortable clothes, so I changed and hurried back down the steps. My mom was the type who firmly believed a TV in your bedroom was unhealthy (no matter how much I begged) so I was forced to play all of my games on the PS3 in our living room.

 

After settling into my chair with a blanket and my controller, I loaded my latest save from Mass Effect 2. The game series had always been my favorite; I could never seem to find one that I liked more. The detail and realism amazes me, and I find the game extremely mysterious; the universe it takes placed in is exactly the same as the universe I dream about. I originally thought that maybe I wasn’t the only one out there who had these types of dreams. I’d written countless emails to the producers of the games, but not a single one ever got a response. Eventually I gave up on the notion, dismissing it as a coincidence.

 

The third game was scheduled to release soon, but I still hadn’t seen a trailer for it. I’m sure they’re out there, I just prefer to be surprised. I’ve already played through the first two games a million times, but I’m yet to get tired of them. They’re fascinating; the characters are so lifelike, containing so much depth and individuality. And the different alien species are intriguing; each time I play I choose Liara as my romantic interest, the sole reason being I find the asari race beautiful. They’re all so similar yet so different, with such rich culture and unique customs. I fall even deeper into love with the games every time I play them.

 

Unfortunately it didn’t take very long for me to tire, causing me to soon shut off the game and venture back to my bedroom to sleep.

 

~

 

_ There was no end to them; no matter how many batarian slavers I shot down, more just took their place. I ducked behind a blockade, hoping to gain a moment to catch my breath before returning to the battle. My heart beat out of my chest with every fire from my pistol. That was all I had to defend myself and Elysium, the colony I was on.  _

 

_ My lungs burned in my chest as bullets ricocheted off of the blue-tinted barrier covering my skin. An asari slaver tried to flank me, but with a flick from my wrist a numbing, tingling sensation ran down my arm. The invisible force flowed from my fingertips like water, sending the air around it swirling. The space in which it passed through became murky, resembling heat waves. Though, the beauty of it came to a halt when it reached the asari. _

 

_ She went flying backwards, slamming into a building and collapsing to the ground. My eyes lingered on her for a moment longer. I could see her heaving chest begin to slow- no.  _ Focus, _ I remind myself. When any moment could be your last, there is no time to waste on guilt _ . 

 

_ The fight was undying. Hours seemed to pass before the enemy forces finally began to weaken, and my nose became used to the stench of burning flesh. My pistol ran out of ammo soon after the fight had begun, forcing me to rely solely on my own ability. Few remained, and reinforcements could be heard behind me. I only had to last until they arrived. I flung another blast of energy towards a batarian I hadn’t noticed before. He was closing in on a man quaking behind a chunk of debris. Before I could stop it, the force hit not only the batarian, but the colonist. _

 

_ “NO!” I cried out, already scrambling towards him lying on the ground. I slid on my knees next to him lifting up his heavy form. His eyes were glazed over and frantic, sweat glistening on his forehead. His eyes met mine, but the light in them was fading. “Please, no. Keep fighting; help is on the way,” I risked a glance around to search for those damned reinforcements. _

 

_ “They should be here any minute, I swear. Just stay with me. Please.” I was reduced to begging now; this was my fault. But he was dimming fast, and I had no way to keep him alive. His stare was blank before I could wrench out another desperate plea. He was dead. I’d killed him. _

 

I sat up in bed panting, sweat glistening off my forehead and running down my back. I looked down at my own trembling hands;  _ it wasn’t real _ . Breaths wracked my body still as I tried to calm myself. That hadn’t been a normal dream, but it wasn’t the usual dissociative one either. It had been a memory of my last one a few months ago.

 

I wiped my hands down my face, rubbing my eyes until the image of that man left my mind.  _ Not real _ I reminded myself again, only now registering the faint yelling coming from outside my door. I stumbled a bit while rushing to open it, still disoriented from the flashback.

 

“Briar! You haven’t left yet? I’ve been trying to call you down for the past five minutes! It’s almost 10:30! You should have left a half hour ago!” Shit; I was supposed to pick up Gabrielle today. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fully wake myself up.

 

“I’m sorry mom, I’ll leave in a couple minutes. I must’ve slept through my alarm. I’ll text her saying I’m running a little late.”

 

I typed out the text to my sister while shoving a boot on my foot. There was no point in changing out of my pajamas to pick up my sister. She didn’t care, and honestly, she’ll  probably be wearing the same thing.

 

After almost tripping down the stairs, I snatched my sister’s car keys out of the basket they laid in and ran out the door. If I drove her car there, then there’s a high possibility she’d drive us back. I couldn’t wait to see her; even though she was 7 years older and already in grad school, we were closer than close. She’s attending Ohio State University to become a doctor currently, but today was her first day of break and she would be home for a few weeks.

 

I miss her constantly; she’s helped me through so much. When I first started having the dreams, she was there for me. She was even the one to introduce me to the Mass Effect games. Being without her felt like I was missing my other half, but today she would finally be back. I had so much to tell her about, even though it’s only been a month and a half since I last saw her.

 

The ride there felt short from my droning anticipation. As I pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex, I could see her already sitting on a bench outside the building. A duffle of her belongings rested next to her, and she resembled a puff ball because of the layers upon layers of blankets wrapped around her. Her lengthy dark waves sparkled with snow flurries, resembling a starry night; despite the ridiculous amount of clothes, she had an elegance to her.

 

“Sheesh, are you hiding another person in there?” I questioned mockingly, stepping out of her car.

 

“Okay you have no room to talk honey I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes waiting for you.” She raised her brows to feign anger, but I could see the smile tugging at her lips.

 

“Sorry, sorry I know. I slept in.”

 

“Of course you did.”

 

“Oh shut up and get in the car. You’re driving.” She laughed but hauled her bag to the trunk, hurrying into to the driver’s seat. “So, what have I missed in the amazing life of Gabrielle?”

 

“Oh no, not so fast. I wanna hear about you first. How’s school? Have you sent out all of your college applications yet? Give me the juicy details!”

 

“School’s fine, and yes of course I’ve sent them out already,” I laughed. “Actually I just had this dream last night; kinda freaked me out.” She turned away from the road for a moment to give me a worried glance. “Don’t worry, nothing new. It was actually more of a flashback to the last one from a couple months ago. They just always feel so… real. I don’t know. Stuff is stressful and these stupid dreams just add to it, along with school.” 

 

We sat in comfortable silence for a little while, before she spoke again. “You just need to hit your stride.”

 

“My what?” We slowed to a stop at a red light and she turned to me.

 

“Your stride; the place in life when everything starts to make sense. Right now it’s tough. You’re still figuring things out, figuring yourself out, and trust me when I say I know how hard it can be. But you’re going to get past it. You’ll get accepted into a great school, and all that potential ready to burst out will finally be free. You’ll succeed, and outshine anything and everything in your way; I’m sure of it. And when that happens, I hope I’m there, basking in the light coming off you that day.” She smiled at me as the light turned green, and turned back toward the road to keep driving.

 

“How do you do that?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Say exactly what I need to hear,” I mumbled. She laughed, but it was interrupted by a car horn. Outside her window I could see an SUV speeding through the red light, probably sliding on the damned ice. Gabrielle slammed on the breaks, and honked back to no avail; the car wasn’t stopping.

 

Then everything was moving in slow motion. Her hand on my chest, pushing me back against my chair; the shrill sound of car tires squealing; that last look in her mist colored eyes. The look of fear. Then the world tilted on its axis and everything seemed to crunch in on itself. I could hear myself screaming, but I didn’t know what I was saying or why. It was as if I could see my life folding in on itself right before my eyes. That was the last look I’d seen on her face before it all went to hell; fear. Pain. Panic. She was scared. A ringing overtook my ears, my vision hazy. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. The only pain I felt was in my head; the colors around me were blurring in and out of focus, and I could hear someone speaking to me in the distance.  _ Is this what it’s like to die? _

 

But then it was over. Everything was black. For a few seconds I convinced myself I was dead, and this was hell. Oblivion.

 

Until I opened my eyes to a different scene. Someone  _ was _ talking to me. A man I recognized well.

  
He paused to look me in the eyes, and asked me something I couldn’t make out. Again, my vision fogged and my heart pounded relentlessly in my chest, trying to escape. My knees buckled, and the man put a steadying hand on my arm. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from crumpling where I stood, and then the darkness returned. But there was only one thought racing through my mind;  _ Gabrielle. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This is the first fanfiction I've ever uploaded, and I really hope everyone likes it! I'll try to post a new chapter every week to two weeks; depends on if people actually read it haha.


	2. Chapter 2

I squinted into the blinding brightness I awoke to. The light was too bright, surrounding me, suffocating me. I had regained consciousness, but my senses were still hazy. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t will my limbs to move more than a slight wiggle of my fingers. That seemed to be enough, since a voice I recognized responded.

 

“Commander, you gave us quite a scare. How are you feeling? All Anderson told me was that you had gone pale as he was explaining your next assignment; next thing you know, you collapsed where you stood with no warning.” My throat burned, but I had to ask.

 

“Where is my sister?”

 

“Commander Shepard? What are you talking about. Do you know where you are?” Commander Shepard. _Commander Shepard, not Briar Genesis._ I cleared my throat, swallowing hard. Commander Shepard doesn’t have a sister.

 

“Sorry, must’ve been a bad dream. Ignore what I said,” I choked out. My mind raced; how can I be here? This is only supposed to happen when I’m asleep, hence why they’re called dreams. Could this be from the crash?

 

Crash. _Car crash._ I was just in a car crash, with my sister Gabrielle, on our way home from Ohio State University. Planet Earth, February of 2012. “Dr. Chakwas, could you tell me the date and our location? I’m a little disoriented still after- after whatever it was that happened.”

 

“Of course. It’s 2183, and we’re currently adrift in space on the SSV Normandy. Captain Anderson had been in the middle of explaining your new placement on the Normandy; we are to travel through a relay and test out the stealth systems. Now, are you sure you’re feeling alright? You’ve been out for almost an hour. There was nothing abnormal in your evaluation; I haven’t the slightest idea why you fainted.”

 

“I’m sure, but thank you. Can you point me in the direction of the lavatory?”

 

“First room on your left after walking straight out of this room. Captain Anderson will probably want to see you in the comm room as soon as possible to finish your debriefing.” I nodded, forcing a tight smile while standing and rushing out of the medbay. I stumbled a bit on my own feet, catching myself on the doorway. “Commander?”

 

“Hm?” I turned back around to the doctor behind me, eyebrows raised. She sighed a bit, shaking her head.

“Take care of yourself.” I didn’t reply to her; I had to get some air. Pretty difficult thing to do on a _spaceship_ in the middle of _space_. I saw the door she had clearly directed me to, and reached for the door handle. Only to find that there wasn’t a door handle. After a moment of panic, I smacked my forehead; all the doors on this ship are automatic. I breathed a sigh of relief, before running directly into the closed door.

 

“Ow?” I held the bridge of my nose, pain radiating through the rest of my face. I glanced around me, hoping nobody saw that. The door opened on its own a moment later. “Really? What the hell?” A stifled laugh sounded from behind me, and I whipped towards the noise.

 

“Um, you open it through your omni-tool, Commander.” There, stood Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Fantastic.

 

“Kaidan?”

 

Amusement and confusion covered his features; “In the flesh. It’s nice to meet you Commander Shepard, I’m the head of the ship’s marine details.” I blinked at him a few times. His eyes were much lighter in person; more of a mahogany than coal. And he was _way_ taller than I thought he’d be. Or maybe I got shorter. I was thrown from my thoughts when he cleared his throat.

 

“Yes! Of course. I’m Bri-” I stopped myself before I dug an even deeper hole to climb out of. “Shepard. I meant Shepard.” He raised an eyebrow, clearly still very bemused. I forced a laugh, but it came out as more of cough. “Listen ah, it’s been kind of an off day if you can’t tell,” I mumbled sheepishly, unable to meet his eyes. This is _not_ how I wanted my first introduction to go. “Um. Anyways.” I pointed to the bathroom behind me, desperately trying to escape this _extremely_ shameful encounter. “Omni-tool. Got it. Thanks. I’ll- see you around?” I practically sprinted in the now open door, incredibly thankful that he seemed just as happy to end the conversation as I was.

 

The door didn’t close. I glared up at it, accidentally catching the eye of a crew member I didn’t recognize outside the door. _Omni-tool. Right._ What evil compelled the engineers to craft a restroom directly branching off of the mess hall, and simultaneously the most heavily occupied room of the ship.

 

I turned my gaze downwards to my arm. The omni-tool always just seemed to appear when needed in the game, but the orange glow was nowhere to be found. A mechanism I didn’t recall from the game was strapped up my arm, but it gave no clues on how to activate the stupid thing. I slowly poked a finger into my hand. Nothing happened.

 

I rolled my eyes; it’s like the world is against me today! I proceeded to poke around different spots on my arm. Still, nothing happened. I was ready to give up and go hide in the elevator when my last attempt succeeded. I pressed into the underside of my wrist, and a holographic screen of sorts materialized over my forearm.

 

“YES!” Before anyone else could take notice of my suspicious lack of knowledge, I held up my hand towards the door. A circle like figure spawned in front of my outstretched fingers, and when I pressed into it, the door slid shut. _Finally_.

 

Though I was momentarily relieved, the weight of what had seemingly happened moments ago came crashing back into me. I staggered into one of the stalls just before vomiting into the toilet. I hadn’t eaten anything in hours, so stomach acid was the only thing I could muster out. Even after I’d puked up all I could, I remained kneeling, dry heaving. The bile stung my throat; I couldn’t tell if it was that or the memory that provoked tears to begin rolling down my cheeks. _Gabrielle_.

 

I wanted to scream, but that would attract too much attention. My vision was tunneling and I couldn’t will my body to stand. So I continued to hunch over, resting my head on my arms. _She’s dead._ Sobs wracked my frame, but I held a hand over my mouth to muffle the noise.

 

It was as if I was reliving it; I could hear the squeal of the tires in my ears, and her _face._ There it was again, like a ghost clouding my thoughts. Fear. So much fear.

 

Through the storm, I managed to claw my way up to a stand, before sitting on the edge of the toilet. Gabrielle is _gone. My other half, my sister, is dead._

 

For a few minutes, I just sat there on the toilet, staring at the closed door in front of me. I made my best attempt at calming my erratic breaths, drying the wet streaks littering my face. Thank goodness nobody had entered the restrooms. After a bit of contemplation, I decided right now was not the time for this. Still sniffling, I shoved the traumatic events from earlier in the day to the back of my mind as best I could.

 

It then occurred to me that if someone _were_ to walk in, I didn’t have the energy to make up a lie about why I was a mess. On weak legs, I pushed off of the commode and out of the enclosed stall. A quick scan informed me I needn’t worry about a camera recording me in this state. I dragged myself over to the structure resembling a sink, and spared a glance into the mirror above it; only to realize the image required a double take.

 

To say I was a mess was an _understatement_ . The redness of my eyes carried over to the rest of my face, which was puffy and still damp. Wait. _Wait._ My _face_ . How did it only just now occur to me that being _someone else_ might alter my typical appearance.

 

Fortunately, it seemed I was almost myself. Still equipped with same spatter of light freckles on my nose, and chartreuse eyes. Though my face was rosy, I recognized me creamy, blanched skin underneath. A few things were a little different though; my sable hair was much shorter, only reaching my shoulders. Also, wow. Boobs. Sadly, my extremely short stature remained, but I suppose it’s a good thing I look the same. I imagine if I didn’t, I’d end up scaring myself everytime I walked past a mirror. As my eyes drifted downward I noticed the device strapped to my arm again.

 

It was a light, flexible material, but definitely still metal. It began with a thick band around my wrist, and every few inches, another one wrapped around. All of them were connected through a thin bout of wires that trailed from the first strap up to the last near my elbow.

 

“How did I…” my words began trailing off when I remembered, and tapped two fingers to the inside of my wrist. Again, the pale orange screen lit up above my forearm. I know it’s a hologram, but I couldn’t stop myself from attempting to press the screen. Of course, my finger travelled right through it and landed on my arm. I sighed; holograms can’t be physically touched. Enlightening.

 

I fiddled around with it for a couple minutes, easily entertaining myself with the mechanism. The first thing to appear was a keypad, with which I eventually managed to access my military file. It didn’t tell me much more than I already knew:

 

‘Commander Briar J. Shepard was born February 28th, 2157 (26 years old).’ Twenty six? A decent bit of time must have passed since the Blitz.

 

‘Born on planet Earth, she was an orphan living on the streets. At 18, she joined the Alliance Military and excelled. At age 22, she single handedly defended the colony of Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz while on shore leave.’ _I_ did that, in my dream six months ago. In those few months, an entire four years passed in this world.

 

‘Commander Shepard is an esteemed war hero of her time, and contains great potential retaining to future endeavors.’ The file was brief, giving me little information. In the past I’d only had to carry out simple tasks, besides a few rare instances. It’s unlikely that in depth information on the extranet would exist about me; sure, there’s plenty of articles about my heroism at the Blitz. But I _know_ that, I was there. Sighing, I shut off my omni-tool. Hopefully Shepard isn’t close to many people.

 

“Shepard?” I flinched at the sudden voice, seemingly coming from nowhere. I met my own eyes in my reflection before realizing; the omni-tool has a feature similar to a radio.

 

I took a deep breath before responding, “Yes? Who is it?”

 

“Your conscience. Duh.” I stood in silence momentarily, somewhat believing the comment; it’s been a rough day. Until the man speaking cleared his throat on the other line. “Uh, yeah your conscience has a message for you: go to the comm room. Beware though, Captain Anderson awaits. My recommendation? Don’t go.” Another more familiar voice could be heard faintly.

 

“Jeff you can’t just-” Kaidan was interrupted by Joker, who completely disregarded his input.

 

“You’ll thank me later Commander.” I snickered, already starting to like him. I tried to thank him, but he’d already shut the channel off. Right; Captain Anderson.

 

I’d had plenty of dreams in which Shepard was in the military, yet my stomach still proceeded to knot itself up with anxiety as I rinsed my mouth and left the restroom. The space beyond radiated familiarity; I’d seen it a hundred times from playing the game repeatedly. I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding, relaxing a bit. All I had to do was get debriefed; I can shoot a gun, and make things move with my _mind_. How hard could it be?

 

It hit me as I jogged up the staircase; this was when Anderson informs Shepard she’s being nominated for a spectre position. I can’t blow this for her, this is important. The nerves steadily built back up again.

 

Before I headed to the comm room, I took a few seconds to observe the ship’s main deck. Everything looked exactly as it did in the game, besides a few long windows located on the walls to the left and right of the galaxy map. Though minor, they caught my eye. Outside of them, outerspace, in all of it’s glorious vastness. Stars and galaxies lit up the drastic darkness that made it up. Of course the night sky was beautiful, but it was so much different being so close up. _Those were entire galaxies_ . The thought sent a shockwave through me. There’s so much life out there that I’d never seen, until now. _Later_ , I could ponder the universe and have an existential crisis later.

 

Though I was aware Nihlus would be awaiting me in the comm room, his presence still startled me. A _real life turian_ was standing in front of me. He was _so._ _Tall._ It took everything in me not to stare at him in shock. I’d never met one in any of my past dreams; the Alliance was an all human military service. “Commander Shepard, I was hoping you’d get here first. This gives us a chance to talk.” His booming voice made his large stature even more intimidating. _He must just be a freakishly tall turian, no way in hell are they all this ginormous,_ I assured myself.

 

“About what?” _Woah_. Major deja vu.

 

“Eden Prime; it’s peaked my interest. I’ve heard it’s quite beautiful. The colony has become a somewhat beacon for your people. It’s proof that not only can humanity establish colonies across the galaxy, but also protect them. But how safe is it really?”

 

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Is there something you’re not telling me, sir?” The statement felt so foreign yet so familiar. The words were mine, but not my own; if that makes any sense at all.

 

“Your people are still newcomers Shepard. The galaxy can be a very dangerous place. Are you sure the Alliance is truly ready for this?”

 

“I think it’s time we tell the commander what’s really going on.” Captain Anderson strolled in behind me, a stern look on his face. I couldn’t describe the relief I felt in that moment; I’d spoken with this man maybe once or twice in my life, and yet his presence brought me comfort, and security. He was one of the few things I knew I could rely on to stand with me no matter what.

 

The two of them confessed what the true purpose of our mission was to me, and I feigned surprise. I stopped listening as they explained to me the details, until I heard that inevitable phrase. “Nihlus isn’t just here for the beacon. He’s also here to evaluate you. You are being considered for the position of first human spectre.”

 

I knew the lines I was supposed to say, but they almost felt ungrateful given the circumstances. No. I don’t need to follow a script, this is my life too. “It would be an honor, to represent not only the Alliance, but humanity. I hope I can live up to and beyond your expectations. I know this has Earth’s best interest at heart, and it would mean a lot to carry out this monumental task. My only question is why me, sir?” There, that felt much better than ‘That explains why I run into him everytime I turn around’ and ‘I’m _assuming_ this has Earth’s best interest?’.

 

The look Anderson gave me was filled with pride. “You have worked exceptionally hard, and shown so much vigor and will. What you did during the Blitz was proof enough for me of your potential; this will give you the perfect opportunity to use that skill for the greater good of our race, and the rest of the galaxy.” A small smile snuck through my mask of stoicity from his flattering words. “When we reach Eden Prime, you and a ground team will retrieve the beacon and escort it to the ship ASAP. Nihlus will accompany you, along with several more after this in order to determine whether you are the right candidate for a spectre.”

 

“On your mark, Captain.”

 

“We should be arriving any-”

 

“Houston, we have a problem.”

 

Unphased by the informality, Anderson responded, “What is it Joker?”

 

“Transmission from Eden Prime. Sir, you better see this. Pulling it up on screen.”

 

The transmission I knew all too well began to play in front of the three of us. Guns blazing, soldiers getting wiped out left and right; watching it in person was much heavier than seeing it from a third person perspective. The cries of agony tore through my ears, and my eyes clenched shut. I was all too accustomed with the sound from past events, but it never made it any easier. The video had ended, Nihlus had left, and Anderson spoke to _me_ now.

 

“Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up commander, you’re going in.” I nodded absentmindedly, thoughts racing. “Commander, are you alright?” The question startled me, but immediately after he followed with, “When you passed out earlier you… said some strange things. Something about ‘Gabrielle’? I don’t know who or what that is, and I’m sure it was nothing but,” His eyes flickered up to mine from where they had been trained on the screen behind me. “I just had to be sure.”

 

My throat constricted at the sound of her name, my eyes stinging already. “Um, yeah captain I’m fine. I was pretty out of it so it must’ve just been nonsense. No need to worry.”

 

“I figured, just…” He paused to rest an affirming hand on my shoulder. “Take care of yourself commander. If you need a break, you need a break. I know there’s a lot going on right now, and I just threw a lot at you. It’s okay to rest; I can’t have you wavering while out in the field. Capiche?” His words were full of concern yet his tone of voice remained rigid.

 

I nodded at him. “Understood, sir,” I murmured, before striding out of the room.

 

~

 

The five of us now stood in the air lock of the Normandy as we approached Eden Prime. I swayed with the free movement of the ship, overly aware of the other’s eyes on me. I couldn’t show it, but my stomach was doing all sorts of flips and turns; the pressure of leading a small strike team, along with the actual feeling of movement from the ship, put together created something worse than motion sickness. I put a hand to my mouth silently, urging myself not to puke again. Wouldn’t that be a spectacle.

 

A realization hit me, and I was sure I was going to empty my stomach of it’s contents; I was going to have to jump out of the ship. As in, just hop out of a flying spaceship from 15 feet in the air, with other people _watching_. When you’re watching it all happen, you’d never think twice about it. In real life, the smallest details can be your downfall. I could see the battered land of the colony approaching fast. I tried desperately to come up with a plan to get out of this, or hide my fear and inexperience. As the shuttle doors began to crank themselves open, I tried to accept my fate of completely crash landing.

 

“Good luck,” Captain Anderson voiced, exiting the room shortly after. Nihlus gave me a nod before hopping off the looming edge. I watched him fall smoothly, landing quietly and rolling to a stand. Despite his tall physique, his movements were almost graceful; no way in hell was I gonna be able to do that.

 

I gulped audibly, ever so slowly inching towards the opening. For a few moments I just stared down at the ground, which seemed to beckon me. Kaidan cleared his throat behind me, and I turned to meet his eyes. My terror must have been evident on my face since he muffled a laugh; it’s amazing he hasn’t backed out of this assignment yet. From all he’s seen, his commanding officer is a complete moron who can’t work doors or jump off of seemingly shallow ledges. I hardened my expression, turning back around to face the task at hand.

 

Without wasting another minute on pondering how this might turn out, I closed my eyes and leaped out of the ship, crying out, “Geronimo!” as I went. You must be thinking: _wait, she closed her eyes? Why?_ Because in the moment, closing my eyes seemed like the least of my worries. I was wrong.

 

For the two seconds I was falling, the wind around me felt fantastic. I was so caught up in the free feeling of flying that I completely forgot the entire point of jumping down in the first place; landing. The impact hit the bottoms of my feet first, but instead of executing a fluid roll forward to break my fall, my legs decided to just turn into jelly. A painful shock jolted up from my toes to my lower back as they absorbed some of the momentum from the fall. I tried hopelessly to save this disaster by rolling backwards, attempting to play it off as intentional in case if the other two saw. Instead, I got half way through the roll and couldn’t make it the rest of the way over, causing me to flop over. _Alright that wasn’t a complete fail; yes, the wind totally got knocked out of me, but I also didn’t severely injure myself since I rolled backwards._

 

“Jesus Christ,” I mumbled under my breath, returning to a stand and attempting to compose myself. Behind me I watched Jenkins land on his feet while combing a hand through my hair, which had become tousled and tangled from the abrupt and clumsy landing. Kaidan gently hovered down to the surface directly after him. Oh my God, _biotics._ I could have used _biotics_. I hate my brain for not putting the pieces together sometimes.

 

The two of them ambled over to where I stood, still attempting to brush out my hair. “Oh whatever,” I grumbled to myself, giving up on the notion of trying to look like I _didn’t_ just fall on my ass from an almost 20 foot drop. Kaidan was very clearly trying and failing to not snicker at my disgruntled state.

 

“Commander, if I may, what exactly did you shout as you left the ship?”

 

I blinked at him, not understanding. “Geronimo?” He nodded, still appearing puzzles. “Oh, um- it’s kinda like saying ‘to hell with it’. You know, you’re about to do something stupid or crazy or scary and you just shout ‘geronimo’ because… I mean, screw it, you might as well right?”

 

“Hm. I like that. Geronimo,” Kaidan inserted jokingly, still grinning from before. I fought an urge to stick out my tongue at him; that isn’t a very commanding-officer-type thing to do.

 

“Oh hush. Come on we need to find the thing.” Now Kaidan was really laughing. I sighed, feeling like an utter idiot.

 

“Geronimo?” Jenkins tried, smiling a little.

 

“Just- nevermind let’s go,” I huffed, defeated.

 

We set off on the rocky path ahead hesitantly, guns at the ready. It felt foreign to hold the pistol in my hands again after such a long time. Unease filled me; I have very little experience with how to use a weapon, and biotics were a completely different story. During the Skyllian Blitz, I had acted purely on the instincts and my limited knowledge about firearms. The biotics had been effortless then, but would I be able to access them again now?

 

“What are these things?” Kaidan wondered aloud, and it took everything in me not to shoot the ground out of surprise. What appeared to be a living bag of air and a few tentacles passed uncomfortable close in front of me. It seemed to just be aimlessly moving around, no malicious intent present.

 

“You know, I don’t really wanna know?” I butted in before Jenkins could answer. The three of us were still wandering about when I heard a noise from my right. A single look reminded me of what was about to happen right about now in-game; Jenkins began to run eagerly towards the incoming turrets. “STOP!” I cried, racing after him. I couldn’t let him die in front of me when I had the knowledge to prevent it. The first shot had just been fired when I threw my weight into the young soldier, knocking both of us behind the cover of a rock.

 

I rolled off of him, still focused on the immediate threat on the other side of the boulder. “Just stay there for a sec, okay?” I tried to enact a barrier around me with my biotics, but didn’t exactly remember how. It’d been six months since I last had to, and that was with pure adrenaline. _Oh well_ , I thought to myself. _There’s always the shields that come with my armor, and I can always use medigel, right?_ I pushed aside my doubts and ducked out from behind the shelter. _Wow_ aiming is _way harder_ than I remember. I attempted to shoot one of them while running to another rock, but it kept on moving around; this was going to be a problem. _What is_ wrong _with me? I could do this so easily before._ Suddenly, my shields were completely depleted and the stone was still a few feet away. I was left with nothing in between me and the active drones.

 

One of the machine’s rapid shots hit me directly in the shoulder. Holy mother of _shit_ did it hurt. Even though it was only a graze, the pain flew down the rest of my arm and into my chest. It was blinding, and had it not been for Kaidan’s shout of warning I would’ve been hit a second time too. Luckily my biotic barrier covered me in time for the next beam, and it ricocheted off of my armor. I slid behind the boulder, successfully evading the lasers. In the end, my pistol was too difficult to use when also ducking behind cover, and I resorted to forcing my biotics to cooperate. I shoved my hand forward, and a large shockwave emitted from the gesture, obliterating the two enemies quickly.

 

With the threat finally gone, I gripped my injured shoulder, cursing violently under my breath. “Commander are you alright? That was crazy, running in front of open fire without a barrier enacted. But you- how did you know what was going to happen? It was almost like you knew Jenkins would get hit; you started after him less than a second after he took his first step.” I panted, squeezing my eyes shut at the sharp tingling that refused to leave my arm. I tapped my wrist and squeezed my hand into a fist, allowing a stream of medigel to be dispensed from the underside of the device anchoring the omni-tool. Thank God I had been messing with it before I alerted Kaidan and Jenkins about the mission.

 

“I don’t know, I just… I couldn’t let him go alone; he- he’s never been in combat before and I know how scary it can be to be thrown into action without experience, no matter how exciting the concept seems. And sometimes you just, you don’t remember what to do and it’s all too much regardless of all the training and drills.” I halted my rant to take a breath, turning away from the Lieutenant to put a hand over my eyes. _I knew he was going to get killed. How could I have forgotten about something so important? It should have been in the forefront of my mind. My mistake almost cost a man his life._

 

A hesitant hand rested on my shoulder. “Commander-”

 

“Sometimes… sometimes you just know, and you do what you can. I was thinking on my feet. And I am _not_ about to let someone under my command die, not if I have a say.” I took another deep breath, and trudged over to where Jenkins sat.

 

He looked in shock, a blank expression covering his features. “Jenkins? Are you okay? You need to be more careful when facing an enemy you’ve never fought before.” He nodded absently, still not meeting my eyes but staring past me. “Jenkins. Come on, talk to me.”

 

“You just… you saved my life commander. How-”

 

“Don’t mention it, I would’ve done it again in a heartbeat. We should keep moving.” I gripped his hand and helped him to a stand, when I remember; _Nihlus_. “Wait. Shit.”

 

“Commander…?”

 

I frantically smacked my wrist, pulling up my omni-tool. _I don’t know how to work the comm at_ all. I typed his name into the keyboard from before, and his professional file displayed. I smacked it a couple times, muttering, “How the hell am I supposed to communicate with him. Omni-tool, set up a comm-link with Nihlus. Call Nihlus. Connect me to Nihlus, it’s urgent.” Nothing happened. “Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT! Kaidan, contact Nihlus. _Now._ ”

 

He raised an eyebrow at me in confusion, but complied. “Comms are jammed. If I may, why are you in such a rush to talk to him all of a sudden?” _How am I supposed to explain that I know he’s going to get shot in the next hour and need to warn him?_

 

“You may not.” His expression was unreadable. “Okay just- actually, no. We don’t really have time for me to explain. Someone’s life is at stake, now let’s go!” I didn’t wait to see his reaction before running towards where the drones had come from.

 

I left my barrier up, not even trying to disable it when I knew there’d be more fighting soon. We ran into a few more drones, but I was in overdrive. I flung my biotics at them, trying to remember the feeling. Before I knew it, Ashley was ducking for cover from a few geth soldiers a couple meters away. Her teammate was being coddled by them, and only seconds later a sharp pole impaled him into the air. I cringed inwardly; such a waste of precious life. Witnessing the killing of  innocent people never got any easier to watch. And there would be another life lost if I couldn’t get to Nihlus in time.

 

The geth then turned to us, taking notice of out presence. Kaidan shot them down with ease, and I made my way to Ashley. Jenkins hadn’t been participating much at all since I practically body slammed him to the ground. I couldn’t blame him though. Near death experiences sort of put a dent in your concept of what combat is like.

 

“Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. Are you the one in charge here ma'am?”

 

“Yes, I am. Are you hurt chief? Do you know where the beacon is?”

 

“I’m fine, a little shaken, but fine. We were patrolling when they attacked, knocked out my entire squad. They were all so- I think I’m the only one left. I think they’re geth; they’re probably after the beacon. The digsite is just a ways from here.”

 

“Williams, we could use you. We’re kind of in a hurry right now; can you lead us to the digsite?”

 

“Aye aye ma’am, lets kick some ass.”

 

The trek to the digsite seemed to fly by, and I almost didn’t pause to acknowledge the absence of the beacon from where it should have been. “Let’s keep moving, maybe we can find Nihlus along the way and tell him the beacon is gone.”

 

~

 

I hadn’t made it in time; Nihlus’ body lay lifeless at the station. I silently thanked Kaidan for not bringing up the fact that I knew Nihlus was in danger somehow. _I should have been faster_. I shoved the thought aside when the man came out of hiding from behind the crates. I didn’t even try to act surprised, barely lifting a hand at him, while Kaidan and Ashley both raised their guns towards him.

 

“Wait, wait, don’t shoot. I’m human!”

 

“Why were you the only one to survive?” Ashley fired at him, and he visibly flinched. The guilty look on his face as he explained made my blood boil.

 

“You are alive because you slacked off while the rest of them were _slaughtered_. Consider yourself lucky.” He looked down in shame. “Just- can you tell me where the beacon is? It wasn’t at the digsite.”

 

“It’s on the other platform, where that Saren guy was headed.”

 

“Thank you, but… leave. It’s not safe here, and if more geth encroach on this area, you’ll be defenseless.” I wanted to say so much more. He did nothing, _nothing_ while the geth _destroyed_ the colony. To be fair, he would be dead too if he hadn’t been asleep but… I couldn’t stand to look at him knowing he sat idly by while thousands were killed.

 

The ride on the cargo train was silent. Powell, the man on the port, had never bothered me much in the game. He was just another NPC, and idiot who was included for the sake of progressing the storyline. _How could he live with himself?_ And then there’s Nihlus. I should have been there. _I should have been there_ . I can’t just dismiss it as not real; this isn’t _like_ the other dreams. I’m not sure I can even call them dreams anymore. They always felt real, but I knew I was sleeping, and I would wake up the next day to go back to living my life again. But this time, I was thrown here in the midst of consciousness. Or maybe I actually _did_ die, and this is some form of an afterlife. I couldn’t be sure until I woke up, but everything seems _off_.

 

The click of the train stopping snapped me from my thoughts; _right. Saren. Beacon. Stay on task, you can think about this later._

 

I knew the geth had armed bombs in Mass Effect, but that was only for the purpose of completing a task; there would be no reason for it in reality. At least, that’s what I _thought_ . Until I watched a geth arm a bomb directly across from the tram. _Crap._

 

“We have limited time, they’re arming bombs all over the station. Ashley, take Jenkins and disarm the ones on the far side of the platform. Take no chances, short and sweet. Kill the geth in your path, but the main focus is the bombs. Kaidan, stick with me.”

 

“Understood.” Ashley took off down the side of the train, Jenkins following close behind. He still hadn’t spoken since before we found Ashley. I’d need to make a point to speak with him after we returned to the Normandy.

 

I rushed towards the nearest bomb taking out a geth stationed near it as I went. I knelt next to it and stared for a few seconds; _I don’t know how to disarm a bomb._

 

“Alenko, disarm this bomb,” I commanded. I tried to keep a straight face while giving the order, but I could feel my cheeks heating up. He shook his head before dropping down in front of the device.

 

“Opening doors, jumping out of air locks, now disarming bombs? I think we should start a list of all the things the amazing Commander Shepard _can’t_ do,” he joked.

 

“Just turn off the bomb.” A few seconds passed by before I defended, “And I _can_ open doors, thank you very much.” He bust out a laugh, shaking his head again in amusement.

 

“You sure aren’t what I expected commander. The I’ve disabled the bomb, there’s only one left on this side of the port.”

 

“Let’s go then, there’s not a lot of time left.” I think. It’s not like there’s a timer I can look at in real life. I just hoped it hadn’t been too long.

 

We darted to the next explosive, and he quickly deactivated it. By the time he’d finished, Ashley and Jenkins rejoined us.

 

“It’s all clear ma’am, the other bombs have been disabled and the geth are dead. It looks like the beacon is on the landing dock connected to the station.”

 

“Thank you Williams, good work. All we have to do is secure the beacon, and our work here is finished.” I lead the group down the stairs and over to the prothean technology. It radiated an energy that gave me an instant headache. I knew I would need to be sucked in to get the information, but questions wracked my mind. How would this actually feel? Would I really black out afterwards? Would it hurt? Will Shepard remember this if I’m the one accessing the beacon? My pondering seemed to take up enough time that Ashley and Kaidan began to near dangerously close to the artifact. Without fully registering the events, Kaidan began to slide towards the long, silver apparatus. Shit.

 

I took off in a sprint towards him, sudden thoughts of what would happen if Kaidan received the beacon’s message instead of me. What a disaster that would be. I reached him in a few seconds and tried to heave him back but the force pulling him was much stronger than I’d been expecting. Double shit. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and shoved him as hard as I could in the opposite direction. Luckily, my effort was a success, but now the beacon was taking it’s anger out on _me_. To my dismay, one of my questions was answered; yes, it was immensely painful.

 

I felt as though someone was trying to stretch my body to lengths it could not physically handle. I was immobilized, barely aware of the fact that I was being pulled into the air. When the vision began I was in so much pain from the pounding headache and pulling sensation that my sight had gone red. It seemed like a nightmare, the flashing gore and violence, along with infused tech. Blurry scenes of war and utter inhumanity burned into my mind, leaving such a migraine in its wake that I could no longer keep my eyes open. That minute seemed to last an eternity, the suffering too great to even explain. Finally it came to an end, but the memory of it remained.

 

~

 

When I came to again, I wasn’t completely sure any time had passed. The disorientation remained, and my headache was so great I wanted to scream in agony.

 

“What year is it? Or has it been so long that organized civilization no longer exists? Or maybe no time has passed at all and I’m dead.”

 

“Or maybe you managed to score yourself another visit to the medbay in less than 24 hours. Commander, you _must_ be more careful.”

 

I smiled self-consciously. “That’s gotta be a new record right? Only 24 hours and I just couldn’t stay ways. Your lovely company is too compelling, Dr. Chakwas.” She smiled at me, rolling her eyes playfully.

 

“It’s been 15 hours since you were knocked unconscious by the Prothean device. How are you feeling?”

 

“Never better. Actually, that’s a complete lie and I’m definitely dying.”

 

“Be serious for a moment commander, that must have been quite an experience.”

 

“I have a terrible headache, and I feel a little nauseous but I believe besides that I’m unscathed.”

 

“You gave everyone quite a scare. You were completely comatose after being pulled into the air by a force from the beacon. As soon as you were released from it’s hold, the artifact exploded. We now have no way of figuring out what exactly happened, or why.”

 

A new voice joined the conversation; “I apologize commander, it was my fault. When I go-”

 

“Oh be quiet. None of us knew what the beacon was or how it would react. You were curious, so what it exploded, at least everyone came out unharmed.”

 

“Thank you, commander.” He nodded at me, but the grave expression remained.

 

“That may not be entirely true; Shepard, would you be able to describe if anything odd happened when the beacon was triggered? You demonstrated abnormal brain activity associated with intense dreaming while unconscious.”

 

“Ah. That.” It pained my to remember, almost as if even the memory inflicted more damage to my mind. “Well when it pulled me in I saw this vision. I couldn’t tell you of what though. It was like some kind of war, or destruction of sorts. I mainly remember the brutality of it, not exactly what it was. Does that help you at all?”

 

“I’m not sure, but it certainly is intriguing. I’ll include it with my report.” She turned away and sat at her desk, beginning to type away at an omni-tool-esque computer. I gave my attention to the lieutenant once again.

 

“Don’t beat yourself up about it okay? Thank you for getting my back to the ship after the beacon knocked me out. I couldn’t have done any of that today without your help. I mean it, you had my back the entire time, and even managed to lighten the mood in some serious situations. Really, thank you.” I hoped he understood how much of a lifesaver he was for me; if he hadn’t been there to help me fight back against the geth and the drones, I probably would have been shot down. And I had no way to shut down the bombs at the tram station. His hard expression softened a bit, allowing a small smile to peak through.

 

Just then, Captain Anderson joined us in the medbay as well. “Commander, I’m glad to see you’re awake. I need to speak with you. In private.” He glanced at Kaidan and that was enough for him to get the message.

 

“I’ll be in the mess hall if you need me commander.” Dr. Chakwas followed him out the door, understanding the want for privacy.

 

“Be honest with me Shepard, are you okay? We don’t know what that beacon did to you but it must have shaken you up pretty badly.”

 

“Well I’ve got a pounding migraine and everything that happened is still a little fuzzy, but I’m okay captain. I promise.”

 

“Things on Eden Prime didn’t go as planned, that’s clear. But a dead spectre? The _geth_ are invading? And on top of that, the prothean beacon was demolished.” I cringed, remembering that I could have saved Nihlus from Saren if I’d made it in time. Though I had absolutely no control over anything else that happened, I felt responsible. “The Council will want an explanation.”

 

“I understand, sir. If I could change the way things happened today I would, but I can’t. I’m hoping the council will be able to see that.”

 

“Of course Shepard, I know you couldn’t have stopped it. That’s not my main concern. What I really want to know about is the other turian involved.” Of course, Saren. I had completely forgotten about him and his involvement.

 

I decided to start from the very beginning, from the moment I pushed Jenkins out of the drone’s line of fire, but didn’t get very far before he stopped my explanation.

 

“Wait, you should record this on your omni-tool for your mission report. Might as well get it done now as opposed to later.” I had to write a mission report? _Shit._

 

“Um, yeah good idea.” I summoned the hologram with a tap on my wrist, but could only stare blankly at it. He laughed, clearly noticing my struggle.

 

“You’re having trouble with the new update aren’t you? Here, I’ll show you how to work the voice recorder.” He tapped his own wrist, and swiped a few times through the different features of the device. “It’s the fourth tab to the right; just start talking and it’ll record everything you say.” I followed his instructions, and continued my recount of Eden Prime again from the beginning.

 

“Saren was the one who shot Nihlus, and proceeded to try and take the beacon for himself. He’s connected to the geth, I’m sure of it.”

 

“That’s not good, Shepard. If he’s working with the geth then he’s gone rogue, and a rogue spectre, especially Saren, is bad news. I couldn’t tell you why he’d do such a thing; it must have had something to do with that damn Prothean beacon. Did you see anything? Didn’t you get pulled into some sort of energy by the beacon? What happened?”

 

“Well, it’s hard to explain. It was very painful, I can assure you that. But that’s not all. I saw this vision, it was extremely vivid yet in my memory is hazy. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was I saw, but there was death; war. It was _not_ pleasant, not in the slightest. But I have no idea what it could mean.” Anderson gave me a look that told me this vision was more important than I believed. I knew what he was gonna say, but dreaded it all the same.

 

“This needs to be reported to the Council. It could be important.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“It’s just, yes I believe it was important and definitely what Saren was after- what Saren _got_. But what will we say? I had a bad dream and now we’re all supposed to listen?”

 

His eyes were stern as he spoke, “We don’t know what it was, but if it’s the reason Saren has abandoned his duties as a Spectre then I’d say it’s pretty important. We can try to make them see reason, and hopefully, they’ll believe us. We need to meet with them as soon as possible; I’ll set up a meeting with Ambassador Udina and tell Joker to take us back to the Citadel. In the meantime, try to get to know the crew. I’m sure you’ll be seeing them around a lot more; why not be friendly?” I definitely had plans to speak with the crew, just maybe not in the way he was suggesting.

 

“Yes sir, just call me to the bridge when we land.” He turned and left after that, leaving me isolated in the medbay. First order of business; Jenkins.

 

I still didn’t know how to work the comm on my omni-tool. I guess now would be a good time to figure that out for future reference. I tapped my wrist, no longer surprised or in awe at the hologram that emerged from the action. Since I was in a more calm state now than I was on Eden Prime, maybe I could actually succeed. I tried to swipe the keyboard away, and surprisingly, it worked. A scrollable list of contacts took its place; bingo. Maybe it was voice activated too. Wouldn’t that be a real winner?

 

“Set up a comm link to Joker please,” I request. A little spinning circle pops up as if it’s loading, and then it seems to connect. “Joker?”

 

“The one and only. What’s up? Need some moral advice from your conscience?” I chuckled; it was like everything he said was sarcastic or a joke. I aspire to be that fluidly humorous one day.

 

“No, I was actually wondering if you knew where Jenkins was. Do you?”

 

“You haven’t heard? Well I mean you _were_ unconscious for 15 hours, but still. I guess the mission on Eden Prime must’ve shaken him up, because he was up and out of here within the first hour you guys got back.” My heart sunk. I had no idea he was that torn up about it.

 

“Do you know why?”

 

“He probably wasn’t expecting to face a species who’s been off the grid for centuries, and an extremely powerful rogue spectre, for some reason; I mean, that’s like a walk in the park for you commander, isn’t it? Actually, I think he said something about needing more training, but it sounds to me like Mr. Excited wasn’t too excited about what real field work was like. If it’s important then I’m not really the one to ask, maybe Dr. Chakwas can help you.”

 

“Alright thanks anyways.” I ended the comm link as the doctor herself reentered the medbad. “Dr. Chakwas, can you tell me why Jenkins left?” Her expression filled with pity.

 

“He was talking to me about the mission before he made the decision. Said he was seconds away from being killed and you saved him. It really scared him, and he convinced himself he wasn’t cut out for this level of assignments yet. Such an innocent young lad, so excited about the fight, only to be sadly disappointed. I just hope the experience didn’t cause him any lasting harm.” I’ll admit, I was a little relieved. It must’ve been a tough decision for him to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

“Thank you Dr. Chakwas. I’ll see you later.” I exited the room promptly, already searching for my next order of business. If I was going to be here for a while, I was going to need to know my crewmates, just like Anderson said. I sought out Ashley on the lower levels of the ship, happy to see she remained. As I approached, she saluted; I understood the sign of respect, but it didn’t feel right accepting it when I wasn’t actually _Shepard_.

 

“Commander Shepard, it’s good[ to see you back on your feet. That beacon knocked you out cold.”

 

“Thank you Williams. I wanted to know if you would be staying with us on the Normandy?”

 

“Captain Anderson thought I’d be useful after my work on Eden Prime with you, so he had me transferred to take the spot of Jenkins. Poor guy, but I’m glad his leaving gave me a place on this ship. I can’t wait to report all of this back to the Council since so many things happened. What do you think about the whole ‘Saren thing’ commander?” I didn’t really know how to respond at first.

 

“I mean, he’s definitely done some things he’s going to regret. I’m just worried since he’s such an esteemed Spectre. The Council is going to want definitive proof, and we don’t have any. Be prepared if they don’t listen to what we have to say.”

 

“They _have_ to listen, we saw it happen! I hope justice is served to that turian bastard.” Her choice of words stopped me from continuing the conversation as I’d planned to.

 

“Why does it matter that he’s turian Chief?” Her eyes widened a bit, probably realizing what she’d just said.

 

“It doesn’t ma’am, I would just hate for a criminal to go free.” She got a lot quieter after that, and I could tell it wasn’t a good time to keep the chat going. I always forget that she has a thing about aliens for some reason. Such an off putting quality.

 

“I’ll let you be. It’ll be a couple hours before we dock at the Citadel, so be ready.” I turned away sharply, thankful the exchange was over. In game, I’d never really appreciated Ashley’s character; she was a xenophobe, and a little aggressive. Some of her choices I found questionable, but I shouldn’t really be so quick to judge her solely based on her decisions in Mass Effect. Kaidan had always seemed somewhat boring in the first game, and in the second the only time we spoke was when he yelled at me after finding out I was alive. So far, he’s greatly exceeded my expectations, and was much more of a friend than I had believed he was. But that’s besides the point, and I believe I was instructed to mingle by the captain. Might as well see who else resided on the ship that didn’t get much representation in the play station game.

 

~

 

An hour had gone by, and I believe I’d spoken to every crew member I could on the ship. Everyone seemed a little intimidated by me, but I tried to ease their tension. I managed to keep a somewhat professional air with everyone, besides Joker. The conversation with him consisted of many self deprecating jokes and questions about the ship; after all, it _was_ a brand new ship, the first of its kind. Who better to ask than the pilot himself? I was currently speaking with Navigator Pressly about his past positions on other ships when I remembered there was still one more thing I had to do.

 

I finally headed to the last chore on my to-do list. Kaidan Alenko was one of the first human biotics, and he was exceptionally powerful since he never risked upgrading to the L3 Implant. The L2 granted much stronger abilities, but with a hefty cost. Many experienced immense pain and some even lost their minds; the L3 Implant had already been created by the time Shepard received her own, but Kaidan still kept his L2 Implant. Another thing I was going to need was the ability to efficiently handle my biotics, and who better to ask than the man who’d already seen me make a fool of myself several times.

 

The lieutenant took notice of me drawing nearer and an easy smile lightened his features. He was sat at the table in the mess hall, but nobody else was around since it wasn’t meal time. I sat on the bench across the table from him, flashing a quick smile. _Crap. I didn’t think about how I was gonna lead into this._

 

“Do you need something commander?”

 

“Yes! I mean yes, I do. More like I wanted to ask you about something.”

 

He raised his eyebrows at me. “Shoot.”

 

“Well I’ve heard you have an L2 Implant still, is that correct?”

 

“Yes… If this is about the mental pressure put on those who still have them, I can assure you there’s no need to worry.”

 

“No no, not at all. You’re an outstanding biotic, and I admire that. I’m not questioning your abilities in the slightest. In fact, quite the opposite. I haven’t been given any actual training to harness my biotic power; any biotics I _do_ use are pure instinct. I have little control over it, and it can be a danger to myself and others in battle. I was maybe wondering if you might wanna… Show me?”

 

His brows furrowed. “Show you?”

 

“Yeah, show me. You know like, help me get it under control, from one biotic to another?” He looked extremely hesitant, and I could already feel the weight of his dismissal. I almost completely took it back before he spoke.

 

“Alright Shepard, why not. There’s a decently sized space under the deck; how about we use that? I would suggest somewhere roomier, but it’ll have to do for lack of better space-”

 

“Wait.”

 

Again, he raised his brows at me in confusion. “What?”

 

“You’re saying yes? Like- really?”

 

He snorted. “Really.” He gave me a hard stare for a moment, and then continued, “You’ve surprised me Shepard. I don’t completely understand how you’ve made it as far as you have without the knowledge to disarm a bomb, among other things,” I glared at him, “but you have something. I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s what allowed you to defeat thousands of batarians on your own while on shore leave. And maybe it’s what told you to run after Jenkins today, and what made you try to contact Nihlus. I don’t know what it is, but… It’s something.” I gaped at him. He wasn’t turning me down. And he was basically saying I had _potential_ . _What is going on?_ I must have been staring open mouthed at him, because he cleared his throat to re-grasp my attention. “So. When do you want to start?”

 

I beamed. “Right now.”

 

“Sure, why not. Suit up and meet me there in ten,” he said easily, already walking away from the table. This was going _way_ better than I’d planned. I didn’t really know how this was gonna work; I never thought I’d make it this far. I _did_ know one thing, and that was that this was going to be a painfully embarrassing experience.

 

~

 

“Okay, so what exactly can you do right now?” Kaidan inquired, his tone light.

 

“Um. Well I guess I can use a barrier, and I can sort of like,” I made a shoving motion with my hand and a crate near the door slammed into the wall next to it. “But other than that, I got nothing, and sometimes I don’t even know how to access the power either. Usually it only works when I’m in a dangerous situation. That,” I gestured to the abandoned crate, “was the easiest it’s ever come before.” Now it was _his_ turn to stare at _me_ open-mouthed.

 

“You’re kidding.”

 

“Nope. That’s why I got shot in the shoulder after my shields depleted. I didn’t know how to throw up a barrier at will.”

 

“I guess, whatever works for you? We can start with just making sure you can manipulate it at will. And there’s only one way I know how to do that. Forgive me, commander.”

 

“Wait, what are you-” I didn’t get to finish because he launched a shockwave towards me mid-sentence. I dodged through a roll to the side, immediately standing up. “What the hell?”

 

He shrugged. “How else am I supposed to make you learn,” he stated, as if it were obvious this was the only way. He shot another one at me, and this time I tried to block it. I could see it coming, and time seemed to slow for a moment. I raised an arm, thinking _barrier_ to myself. A forcefield enacted at the last second, deflecting the blow.

 

“Good! You’re already learning!” I huffed at his praise.

 

“I may not be great, but I’m not a child.” He only raised an eyebrow, as if that statement was up for debate. “Okay, it’s on!” I thrust both my hands forward, sending two masses of energy barrelling for the marine. He didn’t even flinch as they hit his barrier. Before I could try again, a crushing force slammed into me, and I flew back onto the ground. He was standing where I had been before when I looked back up. “Ow?”

 

“Are you sure you wanna play that game commander?” He teased.

 

I scrambled to my feet. “Teach me that- whatever the thing you just did was. _Now._ ” He laughed out loud, throwing his head back a little.

 

“The technical term for it is ‘charge’. You thrust yourself forward at almost light speed into your opponent, knocking them down with ease. Start by-” he halted his explanation when he caught sight of me backing myself into the corner. Without warning, I took off running towards him, letting out an incomprehensible cry. I expected my biotics to just throw me forward, but they didn’t. Unfortunately I realized this too late, and had gained too much momentum to stop from throwing myself on top of him. Both of us flew to the floor, and I rolled off of him, quickly standing back up. But he remained on the ground for another few minutes, laughing his _ass_ off.

 

“You know, commander, that would have been perfect if you’d shouted that one phrase from when you jumped off the ship. What was it? Geronimo?”

 

“Oh shut _up_ it wasn’t _that_ funny. I thought it was actually going to work, okay?”

 

“Your face was the best! If only I could had taken a picture,” he wheezed, calming down a little.

 

“Well okay, Mr. Expert. Show me how to do it.”

 

~

 

Nearly an hour and a half and many more mistakes later, Kaidan finally raised a hand. “That’s plenty of practicing for now.”

 

“What? What are you talking about I’m only just now getting started!” He looked concerned. I hadn’t the slightest idea why.

 

“We’ve been training for over an hour straight without _any_ breaks Shepard; don’t overwork yourself.” I still didn’t understand his insistence to stop. I’d mastered the shockwave and barrier, both of which were much more powerful than before. I’d also learned Charge and Nova. Those were the ones that didn’t require much preciseness. We soon figured out I wasn’t the best at being precise. Despite the extensive teachings, I hadn’t even begun to falter yet. He furrowed his brows at me. “Part of learning is also being aware of when you need to stop. Everybody needs rest _sometimes_ Shepard; try not to push yourself so hard.” He winked before exiting the underground space.

 

“Wait!” He stopped in his tracks, turning back towards me. “Same time tomorrow?”

  
He snickered. “When I say ‘take a break’ Shep, I mean a break. Not a nap.” He shook his head before fully leaving. I still had no idea what he meant by that. I really didn’t feel tired at _all_ . Oh well; I’d learned some extremely useful information, and could very easily summon my biotics at will. Also, I sweat. A _lot._ One whiff of my own stench had me searching for the showers before anybody else could smell me. I found the showers quickly after discovering a map feature on my omni-tool.

 

The floors and walls were covered in white tile, and for such a high tech ship, they weren’t very high quality. Other than a somewhat functional handle to adjust the temperature and pretty decent water pressure and softness, they weren’t anything special. All the same, I turned on the faucet and shut and locked the doors, despite them being public for the crew to use. For now, I wanted at least a fraction of privacy, at least until I’m more comfortable with my surroundings.

 

The water was scorching on my bare back, drenching my scalp in heat. The torrid temperature was easy to adapt to, and was much better than the freezing latter option of taking a cold shower. As the liquid poured over my body, I could feel myself starting to think. Thinking while in isolation was _bad,_ and it led to painful memories.

 

She is _gone_ . No matter how many times I told myself that, I still couldn’t help the crushing sensation in my ribs. I couldn’t breathe; the steam from the shower and weight of my thoughts was suffocating. _She is gone. You will never get another chance to talk with her, never get another chance to remind her how important she is to you. Never another chance to tell her you love her._ Death was not kind; I already knew that. But now it sat on my shoulder, a reminder every time I turn to tell her something and she isn’t by my side. Everytime I see the stars outside and remember how gorgeous she thought they were. Everytime I hear laughter, or feel joy, there is a cold numbness that consumes me. I looked down at my hands, unaware of my own tears falling and mixing with the water surrounding me. I wanted to see her again, if only for a moment, more than anything in the world. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was happy. If she was okay.

 

My head dropped against the wall next to me, and I suddenly felt weak. I had a life, one that was worth living, but everything was a little bit duller without her presence. “Gabrielle, why did you leave me,” I whispered to nobody. The water droplets coating my lashes and sliding over my nose tickled, but I fought the urge to swipe them away. I could no longer ignore it, the fact that she was dead. “I need you. I need my sister. I can’t do this without you.” My voice was barely audible above the pounding from the shower.

 

A quiet knock on the door made me aware of how long I’d been in the shower without actually cleaning myself. I set to work on shampooing and conditioning my hair with what I believed was a 2 in 1 product, but for all I know I could’ve just massaged some type of futuristic face wash into my hair. The soap was new, but dry, and afterwards I regretted not searching for lotion.

 

By the time I’d finished, the person from before had left and I was alone again, my thoughts becoming too loud to handle. My stomach then growled loudly; _food_. I was starving, and hadn’t eaten a bite of food in over a day.

 

The mess hall was almost vacant, only a few Alliance marines loitering about. I didn’t see anyone eating, and was at a loss for where to get the food from. The food was mentioned in the game, but never had I needed to eat for any reason.

 

A small counter resided near the backside of the room, a single pot lying discarded on its surface. A ladle hung idly from inside, and a stack of bowls could be found a few feet away on a matching table. I snatched up one of the dishes and served myself a spoonful of the mystery soup inside the pot. It’s scent filled my nose, and _wow_ was it salty.

 

After seeking out a desolate table to seat myself at, I plopped down on the bench and began drinking the broth. I hadn’t seen any spoons by the food, and I was too hungry to pursue them. With the state my mind was in, people’s views on how I ate soup were the least of my worries. Everything was reminding me of her gentle presence. She had been such a constant figure in my life, despite the distance put between us from her schooling. But nothing I could do or say would ever bring her back. The resigned adherence of the reality of the situation stung my eyes. It never seemed to really sink in that she was gone, no matter how many times I reminded myself.

 

“I forgot to mention it earlier, but I saw you actually maintaining civilized conversation with the crew. I applaud; you didn’t scare a single one off.” Kaidan slid into the bench across from mine and I choked a bit on my soup, spitting some back into the bowl. He shook his head, a smile already playing on his lips.

 

“Oh shut up. I actually _can_ be pretty refined if need be.” I wiped the liquid off of my chin, narrowing my eyes.

 

“I’m sure you can, that stunt where you ran into the bathroom door was pretty cordial if I do say so myself. Great first impression.” I stuck my tongue out at him, not caring how ridiculous I probably looked.

 

“Wait, you guys met because Shepard ran into a _door?_ You mean you _actually_ did that?” I couldn’t stop my jaw from dropping at the sight of joker hobbling into the mess hall. For some reason, I’d always believed he just never left the pilot’s seat. I tried not to let my surprise show on my face; of course he leaves that seat sometimes, he has to _eat_ , among other things.

 

“Hey stranger, quick question. If you’re here then who’s driving the ship?” I chuckled, and he stared blankly at me.

 

“Wait, are you being serious? I’m not the _only_ pilot on the ship, though I am, no doubt, the best.” I rolled my eyes at his cockiness. He never stops does he?

 

“I saw you limping when you came in. Did something happen?” I asked, fully aware of the answer. He pointed a spoon at me, eyebrows raised in defense. _Where the hell did he get a spoon from?_

 

“Listen here, I am the _best_ of the best. You will never find another pilot as good as I am. My disease has _no_ impact on my performance, so I can promise you there’s nothing to worry about regarding my ability. I am the _greatest_ pilot in the _entire damn galaxy_.” I expected him to get all defensive, but feigned shock.

 

“I never even knew you had a disease in the first place. I’m sorry if I insulted you, I didn’t know.” His spoon dropped, and realization flooded his face.

 

“You didn’t know. Of course not. Sorry, I just hate it when people pity me over it. It’s called Vrolik’s Syndrome, and…” He trailed on, explaining the disease. I pretended to be leaning all of this for the first time, though I had already done in depth research on it while messing around with my omni-tool before. “Okay, that’s enough about me. Will someone _please_ tell me about _the_ Commander Shepard, hero of the Skyllian Blitz, ran into a _door._ ” I sighed, accepting the embarrassment that was bound to come. Before Kaidan could start to spill just how clumsy I am, a new voice interjected.

 

“Shepard, I’m glad to see you’re getting to know the crew. If you have time later I’d like to catch up; it’s been a while. But I won’t keep you. Come find me after you finish.”

 

“Yeah of course, I won’t be too much longer. I’ll see you then captain.” He patted my shoulder before turning and leaving, almost as quickly as he arrived. When I focused back in on the two men in front of me, they were both staring at me expectantly. “What?”

 

“What’s the deal with you and the captain? He’s so casual when talking to you. You two seem to know each other pretty well; how?” I wracked my brain for the relationship Shepard had with Anderson. Luckily in these dreams I’ve had the ability to access limited information from Shepard’s memories. If I hadn’t been able to, there were many instances in the past in which I would have made a complete fool of her.

 

“Oh, well he was the one who recruited me into the Alliance. He was also my sponsor for the N7 program, and trained me quite a bit when I was first starting out. But after my N7 training, I didn’t really get to see him much anymore. We haven’t really spoken in a couple years, so he probably wants to see how I’m doing.” Both of them looked shocked. “Seriously what is the deal with you two? It’s not a big deal.”

 

“This is what I was talking about earlier; she’s completely oblivious to so many things that should be obvious,” Kaidan whispered to the pilot.

 

“Hey! I’m right here you know? What’s so important about being friends with the captain?”

 

“Have you heard the way he talks to people? I may be brave and charming, but that guy kinda spooks me out. I sorta know him, but I’m pretty sure I managed to make him hate me in the short period of times we’ve spoken. Everything is always all business, until he talks to _you._ You must be pretty special commander.” I never knew how serious he was towards everyone until Joker pointed it out.

 

“Hm, I guess you’re right. I’ve known him for quite a while, haven’t I?” That reminded me of something I hadn’t wanted to think about but’s been on my mind since I woke up after Eden Prime; time. I’d never stayed in this world for longer than a few hours, and at this point it’s almost been a day or two. Worry gnawed at my stomach. _How long was I going to be here?_

 

“Um, hello? Earth to Commander Shepard.” Joker waved a hand in front of my face, snapping me from my contemplations.

 

“I’m sorry, did you say something?”

 

“No, you just looked like you’d seen a ghost.” Images of Gabrielle flooded my mind at the word. I swallowed hard, averting my gaze. I was about to get up and leave before my fragile composure broke down again, but the ship’s comm started up first.

 

“The Normandy is enclosing on the Citadel. All those on deck, prepare to dock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a super long chapter! I couldn't help myself, I had to write more. For anyone who has any doubts about the ship this fanfiction is centered around, no worries! Kaidan is just a friend. Garrus will be introduced in the next chapter! I hope everyone is enjoying my writing so far! Comments and feedback are appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

All those who were to attend the hearing with the Council rushed to the helm of the ship. The Citadel was visible outside of the windows lining the cockpit walls. Joker came stumbling in, shooing the pilot out of his seat. “I wish I had more of a warning, sheesh captain,” Jeff grumbled, sliding into his chair. He continued to speak into his comm, probably requesting permission to dock, but I had quickly stopped listening. Ashley and Kaidan were both huddled around the window, hogging the best view of the port, but I quickly shoved them out of the way.

 

“Well someone’s eager,” Joker teased, but I ignored him. It was so much  _ bigger _ and more  _ beautiful _ in real life. The spires extending from the platform in which the Presidium Tower rested went on for miles and miles. How had something of such great size been  _ built _ ? In  _ space  _ too! All the lights flickering along each leg seemed to illuminate the dark space in it’s peripheral. I gazed in awe at the majestic structure, even as we slowly entered the docking bay. No matter how many times I saw it, I continued to be amazed by the artistry of the universe and it’s stars;  _ Gabrielle always loved the night sky. _ I shook my head to rid myself of the stray thought. I needed to stay focused for this.

 

After the ship had safely landed on a platform, I followed Captain Anderson into the airlock, Ashley and Kaidan both close behind. The armor enclosing my body still felt foreign, and I shifted uncomfortably while the ship door opened slowly.

 

“You must be thrilled commander; you don’t have to jump out of the airlock this time,” Kaidan murmured behind me. I glared at him, but quickly turned back around to follow Anderson into the elevator. The ride was  _ much _ quicker than portrayed within the game, taking only a few seconds until we’d reached the C-Sec Office. That’s when I remembered where we were on our way to; Udina’s office, and then the hearing.

 

A hearing in which we plan to accuse Saren of treason with absolutely no proof to back up or claim. The thought of it almost made me sick with anxiety, so I did the only thing I could think of, mumbling, “Geronimo,” to myself as I did so.

 

Jogging up beside the captain while my teammates lingered behind, I proposed a change of plans. “Captain, I’ve been thinking about this and I want you to hear me out.” He raised an eyebrow, glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.

 

“Alright Shepard, I’m always open to suggestion. Shoot.”

 

I took a deep breath in before stating my preposition. “Consider how this is going to look from the Council’s point of view. We’ve just arrived back from a disastrous mission; a Spectre is dead, an entire colony is decimated by geth, and the Prothean beacon we were meant to retrieve is in shreds. If we march in there and start making accusations against the Council’s best agent, what reason do they have to even listen? Don’t get me wrong, I know Saren is responsible for Eden Prime, but you have to understand how this looks, right? We have absolutely no proof, and they’re already upset enough.”

 

“What are you requesting instead then?”

 

“I say we ask to postpone the trial in order to give us time to seek out substantial evidence.” He nodded, considering this.

 

“Let me contact Ambassador Udina.” He pressed a few keys on his omni-tool, and had a short, quiet conversation with the ambassador through the comm. “He said the Council will agree to give you 48 hours to do what you must. I’m going to leave this up to you Shepard, don’t let me down. If Saren is allowed to walk away from this, free of charges, an entire colony will have died for nothing… I have faith in you. Good luck.” I gulped; when you put it that way, this was the worst decision I’ve made in my entire  _ life _ .

 

“Do you know where I can find Ga- I mean, the lead investigator on Saren’s case?” The captain stared at me for a moment before answering.  _ Jesus Christ, alert the world you’re basically psychic why don’t you? _

 

“His name is Garrus Vakarian, but sadly I don’t have any information on where he might be.”

 

_ You’ve got this Briar, you’ve played the game hundreds of times. _ Why did it never occur to me that I should have paid closer attention to the storyline when I started having these dreams? Because I had two days to find Tali, and only a handful of recollection about how the series of events leading up to that.

 

I turned to Kaidan and Ashley. “Alright you two, I either just saved our butts or made this worse. We have been given a 48 hour extension from the trial in order to gather more evidence.” They looked less than worried;  _ how are they so calm I’m like freaking out right now _ . “Okay, I remember a guy named Harkin at Chora’s Den,” I mumbled to myself, thinking out loud.

 

“Oh I heard about him. Didn’t he get fired from C-Sec almost a month ago for drinking on the job? With all due respect commander, what use is an alcoholic to us right now?” Ashley inquired.

 

“With all due respect, Williams, I wouldn’t question the commander if I were you.” Kaidan smirked as Ashley began to fume, but I didn’t understand.

 

“What’s  _ that _ supposed to mean?” I frowned, a little confused but also a little offended.  _ I’m not really  _ that _ scary, am I? _

 

“No that’s not what I- remember Eden Prime?” Oh.  _ Oh. _ Once I was assured he was implying I was psychic, not scary, I grinned with pride. I turned to the chief, feeling confident.

 

“Yeah, trust me. I know what I’m talking about. Usually. Okay, that’s besides the point, just believe me when I say I think Harkin can help us.” I shook my head; at least it was only Kaidan and Ashley. I’m allowed to be at least a  _ little _ clumsy around them, right?

 

I spotted a rapid transit station near the far wall, and set off towards it.  _ Good Lord if you’re out there, please let this be a self driving shuttle car. _ I tapped the mounted screen in front of the vehicle, and many various destinations presented themselves before me. When I tapped ‘Chora’s Den’, the door on the shuttle car lifted automatically, giving me a spark of hope. I hopped into the pilot’s seat, with Kaidan to my right and Ashley behind me. The automobile roared to life, and flew into the air without warning.

 

Suddenly, my stomach was in my throat and my heartbeat was too loud and I was  _ in a car.  _ A car, just like the one my sister had been killed in. A car, which I had no control over and could not steer. I couldn’t help but begin to panic slightly. Apparently my utter terror was not shared by the rest of my team.

 

“Um- no disrespect but, really commander? It’s just a shuttle,” he snorted. I heard Ashley snicker behind me. 

 

“Yeah, you act like you’ve never been in a car before.” I ignored their offhanded comments, too focused on looking out the window. There were millions of shuttles, all zooming in opposite directions yet managing to not hit each other. The chaos was overwhelming; at any moment one of these shuttles could shift their position and send another vehicle flying.  _ And there would be nothing to brace me for the impact. _

 

“Where are the seatbelts?” I fumbled with the buttons covering the armrest of my seat, but none of them seemed to enact any straps.

 

“Shepard, if you want me to take you seriously-”

 

“I  _ need _ to know where the seatbelts are. I would rather walk on foot as opposed to continue flying in this thing without at least a little protection.” He stared at me for what seemed like forever, but probably wasn’t any longer than a few seconds. Without another word, he reached a ways behind his own chair and pulled down a strap, buckling himself into the chair. I did the same, and Ashley could be heard hesitantly following suit in the backseat.

 

“The possibility of another shuttle hitting us is one in a billion Shepard.”

 

I took a deep breath. “I’m not willing to take that chance.” The rest of the ride was unnaturally silent; I can’t blame them, it probably seemed like I was overreacting.  _ But I wasn’t. _

 

Images of her smile littered my mind, but I pushed them away. I couldn’t keep doing this, thinking of her and allowing it to mess with this life. Yes I was in pain and grieving, but Shepard is not. If these mood swings continue, people will notice and start asking questions I don’t have the answers to.

 

I turned to my ground team and forced out a smile. “Sorry, I’m a stickler for safety. Always have been; how do you think I’ve survived so long?” I tried desperately to make my tone light and casual, and Ashley nodded her head in understanding, flashing a smile back. But Kaidan just looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face.

 

The shuttle ride didn’t take long, and I was already dreading it’s arrival. Chora’s Den didn’t really seem like the type of place I’d spend much time at, let’s just say that. The music boomed in my chest before we’d even entered the door, and my teeth rattled with the beat. It really wasn’t that bad of a song either; in the game, every club or bar’s playlist consisted of bad techno and not much else. The tune radiating through the door was decently catchy, and far better than what I’d been expecting. Though, that was where the good qualities ended.

 

As soon as the door flew open, a stench I could only assume was every form of alcohol in existence flooded my senses. The lights were dim and uncomfortably suggestive, making the air thick and smothering. Never once had I tasted a sip of alcohol, besides at New Year’s. To go along with that, I’d never been to a “gentlemen's club” before either. I caught a faceful of an asari ass not even a minute after we entered. The worst part? I couldn’t stop looking. It was just  _ all _ out there. 

 

“Whatcha lookin’ at there commander?”

 

“There is  _ no _ room left for the imagination here, is there? I feel so dirty,” I whispered to myself.

 

Harkin could be seen sitting alone at a table off in the corner, sipping on a mystery drink.

 

“Hey sweetheart, you lookin’ for some fun? I can show you a good time.” I shiver ran down my spine at his gravelly suggestion, but I hardened my features and looked the loser in the eye.

 

“Listen, I was told you knew where I could find Garrus Vakarian. Do you?”

 

“Yeah, but what’s in it for me if I tell you?” His eyes raked down every inch of my body, practically undressing me with his eyes. This guy made my skin  _ crawl _ , I’d never felt so violated. A sliver of rage sparked in my system; how could he be so blatantly disrespectful? I am  _ the  _ Commander Shepard.  _ No, you’re Briar Genesis _ , a voice whispered in the back of my mind. It’d been so abnormally long of a time, being Commander Shepard was almost starting to feel natural. Either way, he had no right to be such a disrespectful asshole.

 

I leaned in close enough to smell his disgusting breath waft over my face. “You make it out of this conversation alive, how does that sound?” My own words surprised me, and it was difficult to not marvel at my own bravery. It was clear the statement was enough to make him knock it off.

 

“Sheesh, fine. Heard he was making plans to go to the med-clinic, but he hasn’t left yet. He should be at C-Sec Headquarters still, preparing to leave. Maybe you’ll catch him before he heads off. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go back to drinking.” I rolled my eyes. What a scumbag.

 

“That was pretty impressive Shep. Maybe your reputation isn’t as preceding as you think it is.”

 

A small smile stretched across my lips. “Thanks, that means a lot. Now let’s get back to C-Sec before our man tries to uncover this mystery without us.”

 

~

 

We found Garrus arguing with another turian, who appeared to be his higher-up. Why was I not surprised?

 

“You’ve been given an extension of 48 hours Vakarian, so if you really think you’re “so close” to finding something, then you better get a move on and stop arguing with me.” The turian we’d been searching for grumbled a few profanities while marching out of the office, right to where my companions and I resided.

 

Jesus Christ. I had been so wrong about writing Nihlus off as just a tall turian; the closer Garrus got, the more I realized he was practically towering over me. In fact, he was probably even  _ taller _ than Nihlus.

 

“Commander Shepard? I’m Garrus Vakarian, lead investigator for Saren’s case. I was just about to...”

 

His words seemed to trail off as I began to fade out of the conversation. When speaking with Nihlus, I hadn’t allowed myself to focus too much on his oddities out of necessity, but now I couldn’t help but stand in awe. I was aware of the translator; everyone had one. It was a tiny, flexible patch on the pressure point below my ear. It had been one of the few differences I noticed when looking at my reflection, and have since taken note of whenever I see it on others. Though he was speaking english in my mind, the metallic hook in his voice could still be heard.  _ I wonder what they sound like without the translator…?  _ For fear of losing it, I resisted the impulsive urge to rip it off, if only for a moment.  _ Later, ponder it later. _ But there were so many other notable things I couldn’t keep my mind from racing to.

 

For one, I had to crane my neck to look him in the eyes; I typically had to tilt my head back a little when conversing with most people, but being 5’2 (5’3 now that I’m Shepard), that was to be expected. But seven or more feet tall? I didn’t think I would be able to reach his face even if I stretched my arms up as far as they would go. And his  _ face _ . The structured sharpness matched the edge in his tone, each feature seemingly carved from stone. The realism was incredible, to the point I could barely believe he had ever just been ‘part of a game’. The urge to reach out and touch him just to be sure he was actually there was overwhelming, but sobering, and I tuned back into the conversation. Only to find it had ended, and all three of them were staring at me worriedly.

 

“What?”

 

“You’ve just been… Standing there. Staring. And not saying anything. For two minutes.” Ashley swallowed a laugh, trying to be serious.

 

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled sheepishly. “Sorry for just- zoning out. You know I haven’t slept in… I don’t know how long but it’s been a  _ while _ . It’s just, one of those days, you know?” The turian’s mandibles flared as he chuckled, exposing sharp teeth beneath. This was going to be a learning experience for everyone. “Okay, okay, let’s forget that happened. Where did you say you were going?”

 

He cleared his throat, the sound filled with vibrating undertones supplied by the translator desperately trying to make his voice more understandable and ‘human’. I wish it would stop doing that. _Don’t rip it off Briar, you aren’t a child._ _You have_ some _self control_. “The med-clinic. I picked up a lead from Dr. Michel’s office and was on my way to check it out. You’re welcome to join me, but I can’t promise we’ll find anything. This extension is a lifesaver; if I have a chance to bring that damn Saren to justice then Spirits, am I going to take it.” I smiled unthinkingly. This voice thing was really going to be a problem, along with controlling my stupid inclinations.

 

“Yes.” I responded, not completely registering all that was said. Ashley was practically choking in effort to not laugh. I was surprised Kaidan hadn’t already said something from the awkwardness and unorganized manner of the conversation. I couldn’t help the sweat inevitably soaking my forehead and interior of my suit; good Lord, could this be going any worse? “I mean, yes, it would be very helpful if we could join you in your endeavor. Thank you.” I wanted to leave, or hide.  _ I really need to get a hold of myself _ , I thought, remembering my epiphany from earlier.

 

Turning away in order to hide the flush on my face, I sought out the rapid transit from earlier. I pointed towards it, “We can go in that.”  _ Stop talking before he decides not to let you come. _

 

“Please put on your seatbelt,” I requested feebly, masking my unease once again as the shuttle began to lift into the air.

 

“Really?”

 

I sighed. “Yes, really. I said please?” He couldn’t seem to argue with that, and complied. “Thank you.”

 

I tried to make small talk on the way there, you know, attempting normality. From our chat and the five minutes it took to travel to the Upper Wards, I learned of his conflict with his boss, and most of the authoritative figures in C-Sec. All things I already knew, but nonetheless I nodded along. It was moments like these in which I felt the most comfortable; like an actor following a script. Though I had to admit, it was getting a little boring. Shepard’s life was full of adventure and originality and overall  _ excitement _ . It was almost ironic; I was Shepard, the great hero of the Skyllian Blitz and soon to be hero of the galaxy, which is much more interesting than anything I could have amounted to in my own life. Yet somehow, I was finding that my existing knowledge of the game was putting a damper on all of the buzz I should be feeling.

 

“What about you?”

 

“Hm?” I spared the C-Sec Officer a glance before returning my eyes to the road.

 

“You haven’t said a word about yourself. So what about you? What makes the great Commander Shepard great?” Kaidan and Ashley were now both intently listening.

 

“Ah, well, there’s not much to know. I was on shore leave when the slaver and merchant ships landed on Elysium-”

 

“No.” I looked at him for a long second, only to return my eyes to the road once again. “Everybody knows that. Tell me something I don’t know.” I tried to gulp down my slowly rising panic. Thankfully, the shuttle landed only moments after, and I escaped the unintentionally probing question. I couldn’t stay closed off from these people forever, they’re going to be my crew, and the people I’m closest to.  _ Hopefully you wake up before that becomes a problem. _

 

As we approached the med-clinic, apprehension churned in my stomach. I knew there would be men with guns in this room, but readying my weapon would be too suspicious. As far as I knew, we were entering a harmless doctor’s office; despite this, I clenched my fists in preparation, my biotics already tingling under my skin. As we approached, the door slid open. The man threateningly speaking to the doctor immediately grabbed her, pointing a gun to her head as we entered. She cried out, clearly terrified. I was prepared for the scene awaiting us, but taken aback by something else.

 

To my right, Garrus unsheathed a simple handgun. Something about the action felt wrong, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. He angled the weapon up and- time slowed. I knew that in-game, he was usually already sneaking in and uses me as bait. But now that there was no distraction, I expected that events would unfold differently; no scenario in my mind included Garrus  _ still attempting  _ to make the shot. But he did. And my scream for him to stop didn’t come in time.

 

The beam from his pistol hit Dr. Michel directly in the shoulder. She made no noise, but her pain was evident on her face as she crumpled. The biotics pulsing through my system reacted to the sudden rage I felt, and I shook with the effort to not  _ explode _ . He shot a civilian.  _ He shot a civilian and didn’t even blink an eye while doing it. _

 

I charged into the man who had been holding her hostage, sending him soaring back into the wall. There was an audible crunch as his body crashed into the surface, but I ignored it, too overwhelmed to care. The training session with Kaidan paid off immensely; I didn’t even think before bashing my elbow into the nearest enemy, biotics exemplifying the action. But my good luck in combat ended there.

 

The only remaining mercenary was awaiting my swing, and I was met with a blow to the stomach from the butt of his gun. Ashley quickly shot him down with her rifle before he could continue his assault, and Kaidan was at my side in a heartbeat.

 

“That was great Shepard! Are you alright? That loo-”

 

“Dr. Michel,” I gasped, still trying to regain the air that had been knocked out of me. I lightly pushed him towards the woman on the floor, who was hunched over and grasping her injury tightly. He understood what I meant and I followed him to her, kneeling next to her. Blood. Too much blood was coming from her. All I could see was the man I killed by accident on Elysium. “Can you fix this?” The lieutenant nodded, but he looked grave as he did so. I watched as he applied medi-gel to her wound, and the bleeding stopped almost instantaneously. Still, she seemed to have fallen unconscious from the amount of blood she lost. I tapped my wrist, watching intently as Kaidan carefully bandaged her still open wound. For a fighter, his touch was gentle and precise; not just a fighter, but a medic. A skilled one at that.

 

“Joker? Are you there? Dr. Michel has been injured severely and fell unconscious. We’re on our way back to the ship, please inform Dr. Chakwas of the situation. We don’t know how serious it is, but she lost a lot of blood.”

 

“Aye, aye ma’am.” The comm connection cut off. I stood, giving Kaidan a moment of space to finish patching her up for the time being.

 

It then occurred to me  _ whose _ fault this was, and I whipped towards the turian standing against the far wall. I started towards him, my lividity returning. “Listen Shepard, I-” Nobody would ever find out the ending of that sentence, because before he could continue I lifted myself in the air via biotics and slapped him across the face, before lowering to the ground. Surprisingly enough, it was strong enough for his head to turn from the impact, but  _ damn _ did it hurt. My hand stung; it was like striking a rock. I could feel scrapes already surfacing on my palm but refused to acknowledge it.

 

I pointed a finger at him. “That was  _ unacceptable. _ Spare me your excuse or reasoning, I don’t want to hear it. Not only have you just endangered an innocent’s life, but you’ve also ruined our chances of getting any information from Dr. Michel until further notice.” A glance at the wall informed me that five hours had already passed since we’d been given the extension. “Is this what I can expect from you in future situations? It is never okay to endanger a civilian.  _ Never. _ Your recklessness could have cost her her life! Didn’t you think before taking that shot? We’re lucky she’s still alive! Did you see the amount of blood coming from her injury? Did you even care to check?” I stood panting, red still blurring my vision.  _ So much blood. There was so much blood. _ The sticky substance still stained my covered hands, and the world swayed a little. Garrus looked in shock in front of me, and at a loss for words.

 

He spoke slowly, considering each word. “Commander, I never meant for a noncombatant to get involved.” Ashley stood near the door, seemingly stunned by the spectacle unfolding before her.

 

“Well it doesn’t matter now does it? You didn’t  _ think _ , and no matter your intentions, you’ve already involved one. You need to understand that I have values and moral standards, and you should too. Never take that risk again. Promise me.” He swallowed thickly.

 

“I promise,” he practically whispered. I closed my eyes momentarily.  _ Curse you, angry tears. Shepard doesn’t cry. _ I opened my eyes again, the mask of calm returning.  _ Shepard also doesn’t just blow up at people. _ I swiped a hand down my face, emotionally drained from the intensity of my own feelings. I need to stop being so volatile, but it would be a slow process before I could control my own turbulence.

 

Without another word, I returned to Kaidan’s side and began assisting him in lifting up the doctor. “Shepard.” I flickered my eyes to Garrus, who was slowly walking forward. “I’m sorry. Let me help.” I gave him a hard look, but he met my eyes with intent. “Let me help,” he repeated.

 

Long arms stretched out, picking up the doctor tenderly but with ease. He ensured her wrapped arm was safely cradled in her lap before turning to the exit. “Lead the way.”

 

~

 

The walk back to the Normandy was long and uncomfortably quiet. Nobody wanted to break the tense silence, nor did they know how to. The situation was bad, and we all knew it. The doctor had information we  _ needed _ , and we were on a time constraint.

 

My mind was in shambles, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Exhaustion filled me, dulling my senses and logic. But still I sat next to Dr. Michel, who laid almost peacefully in one of the medbay’s stark beds.

 

“She is okay, but will take time to awaken. You should get some sleep Shepard; you’ve been up a long time. I can see the weariness on your face. I promise I’ll alert you as soon as she stirs, there’s no use in sitting here for hours waiting.”

 

“Thank you Dr. Chakwas, but I think I’ll stay a bit longer.” She raised her brows in concern, but left it at that, exiting the infirmary without another word. I returned my gaze back to the comatose woman, uneasiness settling in my stomach. 40 hours remained. Plenty of time, but each second seemed faster than the last.

 

Someone entered silently and sat in the chair next to me without a word. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a cup of what looked like coffee. “Since you won’t listen, I might as well fan the flame. Here.” I smiled at Joker before taking the mug. “Why the grim face? Is my presence not enough to fill and overwhelm you with joy?” I smiled, shaking my head. Leave it to him to make me feel better. “I walk all the way out here, down an entire staircase, practically shatter a couple bones in the process just to bring you coffee, and all I get is a  _ smile?  _ Sorry Shep, that’s just not gonna cut it.” I took a large swig of the caffeinated drink and set it on the table next to me, eyes still trained on the doctor. “Come on. What’s up? What’s going on in that mind of yours? I can see a million thoughts running through your head. Spill.”

 

“I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I’m still in shock about everything that happened. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that Garrus would just shoot at an enemy holding onto a civilian. What if she doesn’t wake up in time? What if she  _ doesn’t wake up? _ ”

 

“Okay okay hold on let me stop you right there. You’re overreacting. Not about the Garrus thing, I get that, but she’s going to wake up in plenty of time. Don’t worry about that, you can’t control it, and stress gives you wrinkles. You really should get some sleep if you can. I’ll be sure you’re the first to hear if she wakes up. At least take a nap on one of the beds in here if you get tired.”

 

“What happened to ‘fanning the flame’?” I teased him.

 

“Well that was until I actually got here. I thought they were exaggerating when they said you looked terrible, but they weren’t.”

 

“Gee, thanks,” I scoffed, but my heart warmed at the thought of Joker and the crew being concerned for me. He gave me an expectant look.

 

“I’m not going to leave until you promise me you’ll at least try to sleep. Then you’ll have to listen to my bad jokes. Trust me when I say you don’t want that; the more tired I am, the cheesier they get, and I haven’t slept in over 30 hours.”

 

“Joker!” He raised his hands in defense.

 

“You can’t judge! You’ve passed out a couple times from injurious or unknown reasons, but without that, you haven’t gotten a good night’s rest in almost two entire days. Now who's pointing fingers?” I scrubbed my face a few times, trying to wipe the fatigue from my eyes. He was quiet for a few seconds, before speaking again. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” He murmured.

 

“Okay okay! I’m going to bed!”

 

“Finally! I knew that would work.”

 

“One problem.” He raised a brow.

 

“I’ve never seen my room. Do I have one?”

 

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. There’s not a lot of space for entire bedrooms, but there’s a section of cots that are somewhat tolerable in the lowest level of the ship. I’ll even let you use the pillow I was given by Dr. Chakwas. She said ‘Joker, with all the sitting around in stiff chairs you do, I’m sure your neck gets sore.’ The next day a pillow was sitting in my seat before I got there with a little smiley face note stuck on it.”

 

“Thank you, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.”

 

“Your loss,” he retorted, hobbling away.

 

I followed his directions down to the lowest level, and was almost surprised to find a certain turian residing by the Mako. “Hey,” I called, and he turned around at my voice. Guilt radiated from him as I approached.

 

“Hey. Shepard listen, I want you to know that I really am sorry about earlier. It won’t happen again.”

 

“It’s okay.” He looked shocked.

 

“It… It is?” I nodded, grinning.

 

“It’s okay. Actually, I need to apologize for blowing up at you. I don’t think either of us were in the right completely, and I shouldn’t have reacted so severely. That doesn’t make your actions any less serious, and I expect you to learn from this. Besides that, welcome aboard.” I held out my hand for him to shake, but he only stared at it, his mandibles twitching in clear confusion. “Oh, you don’t- I’m sorry, humans will shake hands sometimes with people when- actually nevermind. Pretend that didn’t happen. Um, do you know where the cots are? Joker told me there was a room down here with an area to sleep.”

 

“Yeah it’s just down this hall.” He lead me down a walkway branching off of the hangar I’d never seen in game before. The area was filled with maybe ten or so beds, each containing a blanket and flat pillow. It made sense that there wasn’t a lot of effort put into the sleeping conditions; the Normandy wasn’t the biggest ship for stealth purposes, and no room could be wasted on something as unnecessary as a comfy place to rest.

 

I patted his arm, unable to reach his shoulder, and was about to mumble a tired ‘thank you’ when I noticed my hand. Bandages covered it. _Oh. I didn’t realize my hand was bad enough to warrant medical attention._ _Whoops._

 

The sight of the room made me feel even drowsier, and I was dangerously close to the line between awake and asleep. I patted his arm again while heading over to a particularly isolated bed. “You’ve got a hard face. It hurt my hand.” I held up my hand as I crawled under the covers just to be sure he saw. The turian laughed, and the sound sent a shiver through me.  _ What is with his voice? _

 

“I think you should get to sleep commander… Thank you for giving me another chance.” He lingered for a moments before waltzing back out the door. The room was almost vacant, excluding a few stragglers. But for the most part, I was alone. This would be the first time I’d fallen asleep voluntarily as Commander Shepard. So much had happened, but I finally let my eyes drift shut, embracing sleep.

 

~

 

_ My alarm blared, the unholy ringing filling my ears. I rolled over and blindly smacked at my nightstand in effort to turn it off. It’s a Saturday, why in the world do I have an alarm set? I sat up with a jolt, remembering today’s date. Just as the thought hit, shouting could be heard from down the hallway. _

 

_ “She’s home!” My mother’s words sent me flying down the staircase and into the kitchen, to be met by my favorite person in the world. _

 

_ “Well don’t you just look great,” she smiled, messing up my short hair with her hand. “I bet you just woke up, didn’t you? Actually, don’t answer, I know you did because your breath is  _ disgusting _.” _

 

_ “Hey!” I cried, though I knew she was only teasing. _

 

_ “Come on! We have plans to sit and do nothing but talk for at  _ least _ a couple hours.” I giggled, but followed her to the basement couch. “So, when did this happen? And why was I not informed?” She pulled lightly at a chunk of my cropped, navy blue hair. _

 

_ “It was a surprise! Do you like it?” _

 

_ “Of course I do! I wish I could pull off all the crazy hairstyles you do. They always look so great.” A comfortable silence fell for a few moments, before I spoke again. _

 

_ “I missed you.” Tears filled my eyes without consent, and I fought to not look at her. She had been gone since summer, and now Christmas was only a few days away. Each day she wasn’t there in the bedroom connected to mine felt like torture, becoming more agonizing as more time went on. At one point, I had crawled into her bed and cried into her pillows from the emptiness that had taken her place. _

 

_ “Don’t do that. I’m here now, and I will be for the next few weeks. We can make up for all the lost time then, and even after I leave again you know I’ll be back all summer.” I nodded, blinking back the moisture. From across the couch, I wrapped my arms around her in a hug. “But just so you know, I missed you too.” _

 

~

 

“Gabrielle?” I called, sitting up from my place on the bed. My heart hammered in my chest; she was just here.

 

Reality sunk in and I remembered what had happened. My head fell into my hands, my body curling into itself. I wanted to disappear. Wet streaks already inhabited my cheeks, and gross sobs forced their way out from deep in my lungs.  _ I should have relished in those moments, all the times I got to see her and took it for granted. _

 

I could still smell the shampoo from her hair, could still feel it brushing against my closed eyes when I rested my head on her shoulder. I could hear her sparkling laugh, like a cool breeze in a desert. Her eyes had been such an exotic shade of silvery blue, with yellow lining her pupils. She had been so beautiful, so talented. So perfect.  _ It should have been me. I wish it had been me. _

 

I clenched my fingers into fists, angrily scrubbing at my wet eyes. Guilt and fury clawed at my insides, vomit climbing it’s way up my throat. I swallowed it back, and stood from my cot. I needed to take my mind off of it. A scan of the room told me that there was definitely a period of time when most people slept. Almost every cot was filled with a sleeping body or two, including Kaidan and Joker.  _ Amazing, the two people I needed most were simultaneously both napping at the same time. _

 

That didn’t eliminate my desperate need for something to occupy me. Going back to sleep was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

I took a step towards the hall leading out of the room, and the ground almost slipped out from under me.  _ It should have been me _ . The words echoed in my mind with each stride, my feet dragging as if shackles were chained to my ankles. I took a moment to rest my hand against the wall, looking at the wrappings on it as I did so. An idea popped into my head, and I raced through the door at the end of the walkway. Outside, just as I had predicted, Garrus laid dozing off against a tire of the Mako. The sound from the door opening had him jumping to a stand, mumbling assurances that he wasn’t sleeping.

 

I sniffed loudly and swiped at my running nose, before clearing my throat. “Um, Vakarian. I need your help. It’s- it’s important.” My voice cracked on the last word, and his unfocused eyes snapped to me. He said nothing, only staring in shock. “I get it, ‘the great Commander Shepard isn’t supposed to cry or have feelings’ but I guess the secrets out.”

 

“No, that’s not… Are you alright?”

 

“Are you going to help me or not?” He straightened, awaiting my next words. “Follow me.” I pulled him back up to the main deck and into the space beneath it where Kaidan had taught me a bit about my biotics.  _ I need to ask him about when he could give me another lesson, _ I thought to myself as we entered.

 

“Shepard? I don’t want to sound disrespectful, but you must understand how this… looks. Right?” I shook my head at him, not understanding the implication. “Well, you’re distressed, the cot room is jam packed, you aren’t making a lot of sense so far, and you just dragged me off to some secret area completely isolated from the rest of the ship,” he coughed, averting his eyes. “You see what I mean right?”

 

I furrowed my brows. “I don’t think I follow you, sorry. The reason I hauled you down here was so I- we could practice hand to hand combat.” He laughed a little and the sound made my fingers twitch, but I only stared at him, awaiting a response.

 

“Wait, you’re being serious? Oh… Well that wasn’t what I was expecting at all.” I shrugged, and suddenly this idea seemed more stupid than genius. Insecurity filled me, merging with my already spiraling thoughts.

 

“Sorry, this was completely uncalled for. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

 

“Did something happen?” My chest tightened, but I managed to continue taking steady breaths, albeit painfully.

 

“I’m decently skilled when it comes to my biotics, same thing goes for my pistol. One thing I don’t have much confidence in is up close fights. After what happened at the med-clinic, I feel like I should at least brush up on my skills with someone who really knows what they’re doing.”

 

“So you think I’m a good fighter, huh?” Heat tinged my face and the tips of my ears.

 

“I mean- I never said that. You’re okay I guess. I’m sure I could beat you in a fight.”

 

“Is that a challenge?” His tone was playful, almost distracting me from the memories of her still residing in my brain. Almost.

 

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?” I played along, just ready to start. He started to walk towards the door, and my heart stuttered a bit. “Where are you going?”

 

“To put on my armor.”

 

“No!” He completely halted his movements and turned to face me. “No armor. It’ll… take too much time. Don’t bother.”

 

“Shepard, your hand was torn up from only  _ slapping _ me. Are you sure you’re alright? You don’t seem completely here, and clearly you’re upset about something. I don’t think this is the right time for you to be sparring.”

 

“I had a nightmare.” I closed my eyes and inhaled, my shoulders lifting up and down with the action. “I had a nightmare, and right now you are the only person I know of who can maybe help me distract myself.” I finally met his gaze, holding it with a certain firmness that felt foreign to me. “That is, unless you’re scared I’ll beat you? Come on, I’ll even give you the first swing.” Menace gleamed in his keen eyes; I had won him over.

 

“I don’t think you realize what you’re doing.” He stalked back to the center of the room, the action filling my stomach with a mix of terror and exhilaration. I had very few experiences with up close fighting, but I had taken a self defense class once and played lots of video games. The knowledge Shepard seemed to have wasn’t much help. I could remember some fights she’d been in, but it was more of the experience than the actual physical aspect. This was going to be fun.

 

“I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve, I’ll have you know.”

 

“The thing is Shepard, you don’t have any sleeves.” The cool air of the lower segment of the deck suddenly became apparent on my skin, sending chills through me.

 

“Oh shut up and take your best shot.” That was enough convincing for him, and he moved with lightning speed to hook me in the jaw.  _ Wow okay, I guess there’s no ‘going easy’ on me is there? _

 

Luckily I wasn’t lying about what I said; a small flick of my wrist enacted a biotic barrier on the surface of my skin. A split second before his fist connected to my jaw, I ducked and lightly dodged the attack. Before he could follow up, I tried to carry out what I imagined was an upper-cut into the base of his chin. That barrier wasn’t very useful unless I had on my armor, it seemed. He barely reacted, but my knuckles screamed with pain.  _ Good pain. _

 

My blood pumped with energy as a knee jammed into my stomach in the same moment I threw my body weight into his abdomen. My ribs protested, but my sacrifice had thrown him off balance. I took this as my time to go for another punch to the face, only to be met by his three-fingered hand holding my wrist in place. The punch I had evaded previously hitched the side of my face with so much force that I was flung to the floor. My left cheekbone throbbed with an already forming bruise, but the adrenaline making its way through me allowed me to ignore it. I tried to stand again, until an overpowering weight pressed onto me.

 

“You’re an idiot.” I exhaled sharply at the insult, still withheld from returning to the fight.

 

“Are you… laying on top… of me?” I panted, struggling gently against him.

 

“Yes. You were going to seriously hurt yourself if you kept at it, and my inner voice of reason must be stronger than yours because you were about to stand back up. Can’t you tell when you’re outmatched?” I scoffed, and soreness shot from my cheek the my eardrum. Though it was clear I couldn’t push him off of me, the short fight had been bliss compared to my previous state. Despite the injuries I’d sustained, I wanted to keep going.

 

“I think… You’re just scared because… I punched you a lot harder than… You were expecting.” It took a worrying amount of effort to push words out, and I considered the notion that I really  _ was _ outmatched.

 

“Whatever you say,” he breathed, smuggling a laugh. “I’m going to get off of you now. Promise me you won’t try to hit me again?” His breath was hot in my ear, and that  _ voice _ was  _ killing me _ .

 

“Promise.” He stood up, but I remained flattened on the ground. “Why is your voice like that?”

 

“Like what?” each word held a bite of static, tickling my ears and deep in my torso.

 

“Like  _ that _ . It’s all sharp and metallic.” He held a hand out for me to pull myself to my feet. I immediately regretted it; I ached  _ everywhere _ .

 

“I guess it’s just the way your translator makes my voice more human. It could be defective; if you want me to look at it I can-”

 

“No! I mean- no, thank you. I actually think I’m gonna go and wait for Dr. Michel to wake up, and maybe have a chat about how easily bones can break with Dr. Chakwas. Wish me luck!”

 

“Wait, Shepard.” I raised my eyebrows at him, beginning to walk unevenly towards the door.

 

“I’m okay, if that’s what you’re going to ask. I mean that in every aspect of the word, so stop worrying. There’s an open cot in the hangar now that I’m awake, you should use it. I’ll be in the medbay if you need something. And Garrus?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Thank you for this. It helped a lot.” His mandibles fluttered and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

 

“Ah, don’t mention it. If you need help improving your brawling skills, don’t hesitate to come ask me.” I nodded at him, smiling with gratitude.

 

The medbay was quiet, and though I knew Dr. Chakwas should be asleep in her bedroom attached to the clinic, I could feel someone’s presence in the room. “Hello?” I whispered, wary for fear of waking up the unconscious Dr. Michel on the bed. When I got no response I sat down in the chair I had occupied before, almost melting into the resting place. My limbs felt like cement, but urges of a shower tugged at my mind. With the amount I had sweat during our short fight, I could use at least  _ three _ showers.

 

“How is it that everytime we talk, someone, usually you, is either beat up or unconscious?”

 

“Hi Dr. Chakwas. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I guiltily spoke as she waded over to the seat next to me.

 

“How did this happen? Nobody’s left or entered the ship in hours, who did this to you?”

 

“I thought I’d brush up on my skills in action, so Garrus decided to help me. He might have been a little better than me.” She gave me a pointed look. “Fine, a lot better than me. It was my idea though, and nothing was done with malicious intent. He actually made me stop when I wanted to keep going on.”

 

She dabbed a bit at my cheek and I hissed in pain. “What I don’t understand is how you managed to get this marked up when your armor should have protected you at least a little bit.”

 

I refused to look her in the eyes. “It’s not  _ that _ bad.”

 

“Don’t do it again, at least not for a while. Nothing is broken, but you badly bruised the left side of your face and ribcage. Also, both of your hands are raw and cut up. What did you do, punch a rockwall?”

 

“Let me tell you, that’s definitely what it _ felt _ like.” I tried to laugh, but the action stung so it turned into a cough, which was even more painful.

 

“Just stop talking. And moving. I’ll use some medigel over your knuckles, but those bruises are just going to have to go away on their own. I have some painkillers if you’d like; they have a strong side effect of drowsiness though so-”

 

“No! No, it’s okay Dr. Chakwas I’m fine. The medigel would help a lot, thank you.” I wouldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t think I  _ could, _ even if I tried. Concern seeped through each feature on her face, but she complied, spreading the salve over my hands and then wrapping them both up in thick gauze and medical tape.

 

“I’m going back to sleep, alright? Please don’t let me wake up to any broken bones.” I smiled and  nodded reassuringly, ushering her away. I plopped back down into my chair, the silence giving my mind free reign to do as it pleased. I guess anxiety is what it decided on, because worry clutched my insides.

 

_ Dr. Chakwas said nobody had left the ship in hours, meaning I’d been asleep for hours. _ The wall clock told me that almost 16 hours had passed since I first went to bed.  _ If 16 hours had passed, then only 24 remained until the trial, and the person we needed in order to progress was still passed out.  _ But technically,  _ I _ didn’t need her.

 

I knew she would lead us directly to Fist, who would take us to Tali.  _ Tali _ . In the game, that section of this mission was time sensitive. What if she’s already met with who she believed was the Shadow Broker? What if I was too late?  _ No _ . She can’t have. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be ready in case she does before we get to her.

 

“Kaidan. Kaiden, wake up.” It didn’t take much for the marine to lazily roll out of his cot and listen to what I had to say. “I need your help.”

 

~

 

Four hours had gone by, and I now had my omni-tool programmed to alert me if anyone entered the alley in which I believed Tali would be ambushed in. Kaidan had agreed to help me rewire the camera, but relentlessly asked me why the entire time. Fortunately I had gotten away with ambiguous excuses and ignoring his questions.

 

The door to the airlock slid open, and Kaidan yawned to my right. “So we’re done? I can go back to sleep now?”

 

“You can go back to sleep, sorry for waking you and then not telling you why. Just know that it was important,” I replied with sincerity, grateful for his understanding. Joker met us at the inner door as soon as it opened.

 

“She’s awake.” Kaidan and I shared a look, and he sighed heavily in defeat.

 

“Nevermind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided each chapter will be between 10 and 30 pages, and I'll try to update at least every Monday. I can't believe I've already gotten almost 90 hits! Thank you all so much! I hope you continue to enjoy as the story progresses. Kudos and comments really mean a lot, so thank you to everyone who leaves them!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is the first fanfiction I've ever uploaded, and I really hope everyone likes it! I'll try to post a new chapter every week to two weeks; depends on if people actually read it haha.


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